


Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

by KookieC



Category: Stormlight Archive - Brandon Sanderson
Genre: Adolin has powerful hugs, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bisexual Adolin Kholin, Bisexual Shallan Davar, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Kaladin (Stormlight Archive) Needs a Hug, Kaladin (Stormlight Archive) is Bad at Feelings, Kaladin gets to be happy sometimes, Kaladin has Depression, Kaladin has PTSD, Loving Marriage, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, My First Smut, OT3, Open Marriage, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Safehand Kink (Stormlight Archive), Slow Burn, Threesome - F/M/M, the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:55:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29727975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KookieC/pseuds/KookieC
Summary: Shallan creates a drawing that reveals a powerful truth - Adolin and Kaladin are in love with each other. Kaladin finds comfort and healing in Adolin's embrace. Shallan discovers truths about herself and reveals them to Kaladin and Adolin. They fight to stay together. Oh, and Adolin designs a custom ensemble for Kaladin.
Relationships: Kaladin/Adolin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Adolin Kholin, Shallan Davar/Kaladin, Shallan Davar/Kaladin/Adolin Kholin
Comments: 70
Kudos: 49





	1. The Embrace

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be just smut but apparently I can't make just smut. I need people to heal and grow too, so there's going to be pain and comfort and healing and sex and relationship development. I can't help it. 
> 
> Each chapter will have warnings at the beginning, if necessary, for common triggers such as mental illness symptoms, alcohol use, and types of sex.
> 
> Credit to Sarah McLachlan and her wonderful song Fumbling Towards Ecstasy for the title of this fic.

Kaladin

It was a sunny and chilly day, and Kaladin could feel his nose and cheeks reddening with cold as he walked towards the Oathgate of Narak. A cool, stiff breeze blew through the banners of Urithiru’s platforms, and he rubbed his hands together, wishing he had grabbed some warmer clothes before leaving the clinic. Since Urithiru was retaken, the stream of people with injuries had dwindled, so Kaladin felt he could afford to take a few hours off to greet his friends. He skirted a cluster of important people - Dalinar, Navani, Renarin, some scattered brightlords of Urithiru, and of course the Kholins’ guards, choosing to put some distance as he was no longer Highmarshal. It felt strange to be so near the retinue but not to be part of it. Renarin turned, seeing him, and waved him up front to stand beside him. 

Renarin, who was standing in parade rest, leaned slightly towards Kaladin, speaking softly. “I'm glad you made it today, Kaladin. I’m sure Adolin and Shallan will be excited to see you,” he said, a small smile tugging at his lips. 

Kaladin grunted, crossing his arms against the chill, fingers tapping his elbows. “I didn’t miss anything, did I?” he asked. “They’re still ok? I heard the trip back from Lasting Integrity was uneventful.”

Renarin nodded, placidly watching the gate. Kaladin rocked back and forth on his feet, then let out a long sigh.  _ Lirin practically kicked me out of the clinic for pacing,  _ he thought.  _ I can’t stay still today.  _ Syl flew in as a ribbon of light, alighting on an invisible chair in front of Kaladin’s face. She was in her girlish skirt today, and it stubbornly ignored the wind. 

“What are we all looking at?” she asked curiously. 

“Get out of my view, you’re blocking me,“ Kal muttered as he attempted to brush her aside and out of his face.  _ Storms, you really ARE nervous,  _ he thought to himself. He felt like he was filled with the energy of Stormlight, but lacking the strength. With the crisis at Urithiru, he was still feeling tired. He had heard that the delegation to Shadesmar was successful, but he didn’t know what it may have cost Adolin and Shallan. His stomach clenched at the thought, and he frowned. He fumbled in his pocket for the coin that Adolin had given him. He found it comforting to keep it on him.

“Suits you if you want to look at nothing - OH!” Syl gasped as the Oathgate opened. She flew in to take a closer look, excited. 

Adolin emerged first, Gallant close behind, followed by the Radiants, and finally Shallan, who had worked the Oathgate from the Shattered Plains. Adolin walked proudly and seriously, his head held high and his posture stiff, as he took in the group welcoming them. Then his eyes met Kaladin’s, and suddenly he was running, dignity forgotten, grinning ear to ear, and Kaladin was surrounded - no,  _ struck _ \- by a huge hug that momentarily lifted him off the ground. Kaladin’s eyes popped open and he grunted as Adolin’s strong arms squeezed the air out of his lungs, and Adolin’s booming laugh assaulted his left ear. In that moment, Kaladin forgot he was in public - in front of Dalinar Kholin even - and he squeezed Adolin around the top of his broad shoulders, burying his head in the crook of his neck and laughing with joy that he was ok. Adolin was  _ ok _ . Relief pouring through his body, Kaladin finally realized the full extent of his earlier anxiety. 

“Storms, Kal, what happened to your forehead?” Kaladin felt Adolin’s hand as he brushed the hair off his forehead, revealing smoothness instead of scarring. The trace left by his hand felt warm, and Kaladin felt dizzy all of a sudden, a warmth glowing in his diaphragm. He stepped back slightly, and his hands slid from Adolin’s shoulders down his arms, grasping his forearms and squeezing, steadying himself. Adolin held his forearms in return, squeezing back and smiling. For a brief moment they gazed at each other, each taking in the other’s smile. Kaladin forced himself to focus. 

“I’ll tell you later. You're ok?" Kaladin asked. Adolin nodded mutely, still smiling. There were tears shining in his blue eyes. Kaladin realized he had his own tears of relief, and wiped his face on his shirt cuff. He heard the shuffle of feet nearby and stiffened, remembering there were others present. 

Adolin appeared to sense his embarrassment and he disengaged, grasping Kaladin’s cold right hand between his two warm hands, turning the embrace into a handshake. Kaladin could feel the warmth spread to his face and chest. 

“Yeah I'm ok. Are you?” Adolin’s face fell, his eyebrows knitting with the question. He let go of Kaladin's hand and wiped the back of his arm across his eyes. “Storms, I was worried. I’m sorry I wasn’t there...” he murmured.

By that time, the others had caught up, and congratulations were being given. Kaladin looked around and muttered, “Maybe now isn’t the best time…” He looked back at Adolin, who seemed to entreat Kaladin with his eyes, and Kaladin felt like he wanted to say more. 

“Let’s talk later. I want to catch up with you,” Adolin said instead, loudly, slapping Kaladin’s back. He turned to Renarin, pulling him into a bear hug. 

“Come on,” Renarin said, rolling his eyes, and Adolin laughed, responding, “It’s either big hugs or no hugs, and no hugs isn’t an option after a death-defying mission!” Kaladin smiled wanly and turned away, shivering from the loss of Adolin's warm body against his. He spotted Shallan, her red hair already tossed hopelessly out of place by the wind, her cheeks rosy. She made a straight line towards Kaladin, pulled him by the arm, and started walking directly to the doors of Urithiru. Her arm and side felt warm against him, and he leaned into her gratefully.

"Thanks," he grunted.

“It’s wonderful to see you again Kaladin, but clearly you’re not holding enough Stormlight to keep you warm. No one has any sense around here." She leaned in, whispering conspiratorially. "We must get you inside, and then you have to tell me  _ everything _ .” Kaladin nodded vaguely, briefly looking back to see Adolin at the centre of a circle of well wishers, shaking hands, looking as though his smile alone were a heating fabrial capable of keeping everyone warm. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter one! We're just getting started with these lovelies. Thank you for reading! This is my first fanfic and I hope you enjoy it.


	2. The Hug Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adolin is confronted by his father about his PDA. Renarin helps him understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No big CWs in this chapter.

Adolin

A couple days later, Adolin stood up and stretched after a long and boring planning meeting to reorganize the management of Urithiru. With the help of the Sibling, Navani had been able to get the water running and the heat blowing through the air vents, but storms, the mechanics of heating vents were _not_ as interesting as she thought it was. Renarin was lingering at the table, fidgeting with his cube, waiting for others to leave first as usual. As scribes shuffled out the door, Adolin paused, noting Kaladin’s absence. He missed seeing Kaladin’s gloomy face as he leaned against the wall, taking everything in, and butting in with new perspectives. _What did we miss today because Kaladin wasn’t here?_ he wondered. He didn’t notice his father weaving around the chairs towards him. Only Adolin, Renarin, and Dalinar were left in the room. Dalinar coughed, standing stiffly, not quite making eye contact with Adolin. Adolin shook himself out of his reverie and turned to his father, an eyebrow raised.

“It’s not my place to question your love life, Adolin,” Dalinar finally said, “But you just got married not too long ago. I know that your mother didn’t raise you very...Alethi…with her displays of public affection, but at least try to be more…discreet in your, ah...interactions. You're a Highprince now, and your behaviour will have an impact on the people who serve you.” 

Adolin’s mouth hung open. He and Shallan were publicly demonstrative sometimes, but they had gotten better at maintaining decorum. “What on Roshar are you talking about?” he demanded. 

Dalinar coughed, then fixed Adolin in a steely glare. “Adolin, just be careful with the former Highmarshal. He’s been through _enough_ ,” anger slipped out through gritted teeth, “and he doesn’t need a broken heart too.” Dalinar squinted at him, jaw set, then stalked out of the room.

Heart racing, Adolin couldn’t decide if he was more enraged or confused. His stomach twisted. He started to summon Maya reflexively, then shook his head and clenched his hands into fists instead. “Unbelievable!” he said hotly, a blade of shame slicing through him. He turned to Renarin and waved his arm in the general direction of the doorway. “Did you _hear_ that?” 

Renarin nodded sadly. “I would go to the Nightwatcher myself if she could make him that considerate of me.” He sighed.

Adolin sat down beside Renarin. He forced his hands to relax, placing them on the table, palms down. “No, besides him being a _cremling_ ,” he said, gritting his teeth, “I mean, why does he think that I’m romantically involved with Kaladin?”

Renarin looked up, surprised. “You’re not?” Adolin blushed and shook his head. Renarin furrowed his brow. “Well, everyone else seems to think so.”

Adolin’s mouth went dry. “Everyone?” he croaked. _Kaladin’s not going to like that,_ he thought, and then shook his head. “No. Why? Why do they think that?”

“Easy,” Renarin smiled. “Hug placement. You taught me this, I can’t believe you don’t remember. Here, stand up.”

They both stood up and Renarin put his arms out. “Ok, hug me.” Adolin obliged. “Now take a look, each of us has one arm on top and around one shoulder, and the other arm behind the midback, on or near the shoulder blade. That’s a hug that one would use with good friends and family.” Adolin could feel his brother’s chest against his, Renarin’s hands putting a friendly pressure against his back. It felt comfortable. He hugged back, cherishing the fact he got two hugs from Renarin in a week. Renarin patted him and ended the hug, stepping back. 

Adolin gestured, shrugging. “Ok, so what? That’s a hug.”

“Well, here’s how you hugged Kaladin.” Renarin bumped into Adolin, belly to belly. “Your arms were much lower, they were around his waist, like this.” Renarin leaned his upper body back, and wrapped his arms tight around Adolin’s waist, lifting him slightly. Adolin could feel the difference in the quality of the closeness, and it felt _very_ awkward. Renarin hoisted him and said, “And, you know, he was kind of hugging you around the neck, but let’s not do that.” He stepped back and sat down. “That was uncomfortable.”

Adolin sat down hard in his chair, wiping his belly as if to get the sensation off him. “Yeah, let’s never do that again,” he agreed enthusiastically. “Stormfather, I did that to Kaladin?” _What was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem._

“Plus, you ran straight to him as though he was the most important person on the platform.”

Adolin winced. “I missed him. I needed to know he was okay.”

“Plus, you were crying.”

Adolin reeled. “You _saw?_ ”

“Yeah, everyone did. Plus…”

“ _PLUS?_ ” Adolin’s stomach twisted even further and he felt nauseous. Red and white petals floated around him. Was it possible to feel more embarrassed? 

“Plus,” Renarin patted his back reassuringly, “Kaladin hugged you back. He smiled. He _laughed_ . His eyes were teary too. I could see it, I was standing right beside him...you...two. And he was nervous, before he saw you. He took time off work just to see you arrive. He _never_ takes time off work. What I’m trying to say is, it wasn’t just you.”

The knot in Adolin’s stomach twisted in a new way. “So if he doesn’t murder me for ruining his reputation, mine, and Shallan’s, then he might actually… _like_ me?”

“No, it’s more than that,” Renarin said earnestly. “He trusts you. You’re very important to him. Maybe he loves you. I think you should talk to him about it.” 

“Thank you Renarin,” Adolin said, half to himself, as he stood. “I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always read Dalinar as being tough with Adolin, forgetting about Renarin, and then thinking of Kaladin as the dear dear son he never had.


	3. A Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ROW AHEAD - turn back all ye who wish to remain unspoiled!
> 
> Shallan confronts her boys with a truth they can't ignore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CWs - We're starting to get into polyamory negotiation and a touch of NSFW. 
> 
> ***Did I mention major spoilers for RoW?***
> 
> Many thanks to the amazing @rspixart on Tumblr for making the beautiful art. Check out her other Cosmere art!

Shallan

The sitting room was quiet this afternoon. The sunshine streaming in, combined with the warmth of Urithiru's renewed ventilation system, created the perfect atmosphere for a nap. She sighed wistfully and looked over to see her brother Jushu napping heavily on the other couch, snoring softly into a sunbeam. She smiled. 

She felt glad that someone else could take advantage of it - she still had important decisions to make and drawing to do, and then she needed to make a copy. The act of drawing was calming, helping her to think more clearly, and the light was perfect. Creationspren popped up around the page, crowding it. She shooed them away. This sketch was going to be particularly good.

A few hours later, decisions made, copies tucked away safely, Shallan lounged, sketching idly. Adolin strode forcefully into the sitting room, trailing anxietyspren like so many tiny black twisty side swords. _Ah, so he’s heard,_ she thought. Pattern buzzed with excitement and slid across her skirt to the back of the couch. 

_Will there be mating?,_ he asked excitedly in her mind. 

“No, Pattern, just talking,” she mumbled in response. She realized she was attracting a couple anticipationspren of her own. Adolin took off his coat, hanging it carefully. He paced the room once, grabbed a bite of Shallan’s leftover lunch, and then sat down heavily on the couch beside her. He glanced down at her sketchbook, then over to the other couch, and startled. 

“I didn’t realize Jushu was here!” he whispered, a little loudly.

“Yes, he was supposed to keep me company during what little time off I have, but he rudely fell asleep on me,” she whispered back. “He will make a good addition to my sketchbook,” she smiled, tapping the page. “Other than being an accidental model, he’s been an absolute bore. There’s no replacement for you,” she purred, putting her sketchbook down, turning to Adolin and patting him on the nose with her finger. 

Adolin looked visibly pained as he wiped the charcoal off his nose. Shallan made a pouty face. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty for going to a mandatory meeting.” She paused. “So, what’s got you dragging around anxietyspren? Did something happen at the meeting?” Adolin’s face reddened and his mouth turned down. Pattern softly buzzed, expectantly.

“It was more like what happened after the meeting.” He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, finally settling on sitting with one leg crossed under him, leaning against the back of the couch, facing Shallan. His head was right beside Pattern. His blush hadn’t receded; in fact, it may have spread to his neck. “Shallan,” Adolin started, “I’m so, so, sorry.” 

Her stomach dropped, but she looked at him innocently. She turned and draped a leg over his. “For what, love?” she smiled. _I'm going to have some fun with this._ Pattern hummed at her. _But not at his expense, of course Pattern!_

Adolin grimaced. He glanced at Jushu’s sleeping form and then back at Shallan, leaning in. “Ok, so you remember a couple of days ago, when we returned through the Oathgate. I hugged Kaladin,” he whispered.

Shallan continued looking extremely innocent. She tapped her charcoal to the page. “Hm, I don’t seem to remember that. Could you describe it to me?” 

Adolin cocked his head at her. Storms, she was teasing him too hard. _Veil would've been better at this. Be honest, but also keep it light_. She put her freehand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently. “I mean, Adolin, you ran into him like a stormwall. No one could have missed it. The way people were reacting to that embrace, it was like someone had shown her safehand.” She smiled expectantly, hoping for one of Adolin’s easy laughs. 

He turned away instead. _He must be really feeling bad about this. Better change tactics entirely._ _Drop the comedy._ Pattern undulated with excitement. 

Shallan brushed Adolin's face with her safehand. “It was a beautiful moment, Adolin. I didn’t realize how much you cared for him until I saw it. Then everything kind of snapped together in my mind. No wonder you were so understanding of my crush on him way back when.” She chuckled, reaching for her satchel. She pulled out the drawing she had been working on that afternoon and showed it to Adolin. “Here, I made this for you, so you can remember it.”

In the drawing, Adolin was holding Kaladin tightly by the waist, hoisting the taller man up and almost over his shoulder, spinning, laughing with relief. Kaladin was grabbing Adolin around the shoulders, nuzzling his face into Adolin’s neck. Shallan thought she had done an excellent job capturing their pure delight at seeing each other again. It was, of course, a Memory from the day they had returned from Shadesmar.

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

“I…” Adolin stammered. "Storms, that's a good drawing. We _have_ to get this framed." He held it out in front of him, examining different angles. He smiled fondly. “WIth everything happening, I think I didn’t realize until today how I really feel about him.” 

“And how is that?” Shallan asked. She felt a fluttering sensation in her stomach, sensing the coming change. Another anticipationspren wafted up. Pattern positively buzzed with excitement.

“I...I love him,” Adolin murmured, catching her gaze and regarding her with a pained expression. “But I love _you_. How can I love two people? It doesn’t seem fair. It’s not fair to you.” He frowned. “I must be a terrible person. There must be something wrong with me. You should be enough.”

Shallan sighed. She had already been through something like this. With the help of Pattern and her personas, she was learning to understand how they all related to each other and the world. Not to mention the confusion of realizing she had bonded with two spren, and still felt responsible for Testament. “There is nothing wrong with you, Adolin. You already love more than one person. Everyone does. Let me see if I can explain. Adolin, dear, I love you.”

“Thank Honor for that, after what I just told you.”

Shallan gestured towards the couch. “I also love Jushu.”

“You...what?”

“Hush. I also love my other brothers.”

“Well, yes…”

“The way I love each of them is different. Obviously Jushu, Balat, and Wikim are different people, with different ways of accepting love and giving love, and they help me in different ways. And Helaran has passed on, but I still love him, and that love is also unique.” She shifted fully into Adolin's lap and enveloped his warm hand with both of hers, holding it to her breast. “I don’t think two people are meant to fit together exactly, with all of our needs being perfectly met by each other. That’s why we need friends, and family, and taverns.” She smiled. “You can’t help me learn how to do Lightweaving. That’s why I have my team of Radiants. You can’t help me figure out fabrials or discover new forms of life. I have Jasnah, and other scholars, for that.” She examined Adolin’s face, which appeared thoughtful. 

“Wow, point out all the things I can’t do, why don’t you,” Adolin said under his breath, half joking. 

“Well how about I point out the things _I_ can’t do, if that makes you feel better,” Shallan said. She took a deep breath, exhaling a bit more raggedly than she was hoping. She was planning on being more calm, more collected, to really be there for Adolin the way he’d been there for her. She considered Radiant. _Don’t you dare make me say dirty words. I’m staying out of this,_ she stated matter-of-factly before retreating. Pattern buzzed encouragingly. _Say your truth, Shallan!_

Shallan squeezed Adolin’s hand. “As much as Radiant might wish she could, she can’t help you improve your skill in combat.” She met his soft, earnest eyes. “That’s what Zahel is for. And pretty much only Zahel at this point, you’re so storming good at it.”

Adolin blushed, and nodded. “I wouldn’t expect her to.”

Shallan continued, “I can’t understand what it’s like to have Dalinar as a father like Renarin does. Renarin has a special role in your life that no one could replace.”

Adolin rolled his eyes dramatically and nodded. She’d have to ask about that reaction later. 

“And Adolin, as much as I am broken and need help sometimes, I’m getting better mentally and maybe don't need as much of your attention anymore." Pattern hummed but didn't say anything. "You lost a lot of friends and allies during the duels and battles. You need to be around others. And you need to help others. I think you see an opportunity to give love to someone who really needs it.” 

Adolin looked away, considering. His mouth twisted in a half-smile, half-frown. “I really want him to be happy. I just want to hug him forever,” he murmured. _Don’t we all,_ she thought, amused.

Pattern buzzed. 

Shallan tickled Adolin’s neck. “And if he happens to be tall, and handsome, and strong, and broody, well, that doesn’t hurt either,” she said in a sing-song voice. 

Adolin giggled and hugged her. He smiled apologetically. “He _is_ my only bridgeboy. Surgeonboy?” he laughed, then shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m saying this to you, but I really want to know what’s under that surgeon’s uniform. I...I want to try...with him. But I don’t want to hurt you. It seems I’ve already ruined my reputation, and by extension yours, with that storming hug. I’m mortified at what Kaladin must think of me. Apparently the rumours have already spread around the tower that he and I are courting outside my marriage. I’ve already hurt you. I’m so sorry for that,” he said, searching deep in her eyes.

She had already heard the rumours through her spy network, so that wasn’t a surprise, but hearing the confirmation of his desire felt like someone had pulled a rug from under her at the same time that she’d jumped. So different, and yet still the same. She stifled her emotions.

“I could not have predicted that my reputation would get ruined in this _particular_ way,” she began, “although it’s not for lack of reputation-ruining acts I’ve committed.” She winked. “It’s ok. I don’t feel bad about it. Maybe this will allow me new opportunities that I wouldn’t have had if I were a squeaky-clean lighteyes.” 

The thought of her reputation didn't matter so much now that she was married to a Kholin. Kholins didn't seem to be affected by heresy, or even murder. A scandal like this hardly tipped the scale. Nevertheless, Adolin winced. She added, “Adolin, I want to show you trust like you’ve shown me. You have been so good to me. I think you need this, and I want to support you. I love you.”

Adolin’s eyes sparkled with tears. “I love you too,” he whispered. “I really didn’t expect this conversation to turn out this way.” He chuckled gently, wiping an eye with his finger. “I thought you were going to leave me like everyone else has.” He took a deep breath, running his hands through his black-and-blond hair and then said softly, “Shallan, even if you don’t need me so much anymore, I storming need _you_. I don’t want to lose you. How do we do this so I don’t hurt you again?” 

Shallan sat up straight, embodying a more serious attitude, but maintaining her Shallan-ness. “I would feel the best if you stayed with me on nights that I’m not out doing work,” she said, trying to remember her thoughts when she was drawing earlier today. “I will let you know ahead of time so you can plan with Kaladin.” She frowned. “There are a lot of Kholin financial statements that need approving, and that will take a bunch of my evenings in the next few weeks. I think it would be best if you and Kaladin stayed here to court. He has half a closet for a room and no privacy, and there's nowhere else you two can go without prying eyes.” She grabbed his hand again. “I want to respect your privacy, and I know you're a gentleman, so I'm not expecting details of your meetings with him. But if you’re struggling with something, I want to be able to help you through it. I’m not sure how to do that though.” 

Adolin leaned back, considering. “I could just tell you what I’m feeling, and what I need from you, and try to avoid the details,” he said.

Shallan nodded. Then she leaned towards him, pointing her finger into his chest. “And let’s face it, Kaladin hasn’t been with anyone else in...ever, maybe? But if you get a rash on your cock you tell me right away, and -” she looked back at Jushu’s sleeping form and then back at Adolin, “- we _cannot_ see Lirin to get treated.” Adolin’s mouth fell open.

“See?” Shallan said. “Just say the word ‘cock’ and your mouth opens up. That’s something I can’t offer you!” 

“Shallan!” Adolin exclaimed. He looked down comically at his own mouth, and closed it with an exaggerated motion of his hand. They giggled together, releasing their tension, swatting at each other. 

Jushu rolled over. “What are you laughing about? Stop it,” he groaned, his voice slurred by sleep.

They ignored him, giggling. 

********

The next day, Shallan went to a certain surgeon’s clinic, looking for Kaladin. He was with a patient, so she asked Hesina to pass along a message to him to meet her for lunch at one of the restaurants in the marketplace. Walking away, she felt cremlings crawling in her stomach. Adolin and Kaladin were the two men she trusted the most in the world, even including her brothers. And she cared about both of them. The fact that they had fallen in love with each other was an incredible, beautiful thing. Yet, the cremlings were forcing her to admit that she was worried. This arrangement had seemed like a perfect idea when she was lounging in her private sitting room, or whispering with Adolin in the dark. 

_That was fun._ She smiled, remembering how hard he got, how intense his eyes were. Their kisses had gotten deeper, and she had felt like she was touching him for the first time, appreciating and noticing his scarred skin, his strong thighs, his gorgeous ass. 

But out here in the bright light of day, with the press of people around her, it was another matter entirely. She felt her resolve shriveling up like a rockbud in the wind. Pattern, undulating on the hem of her skirt, buzzed softly. 

_Are you thinking that you're making a mistake?_ He asked softly, in her mind. _The proper rituals have not been performed. That's supposed to be important._

Somehow it didn't feel as important as it used to. “I'm just becoming extremely aware that I'm probably missing an important piece of this,” she muttered under her breath. “I miss Veil. She would know what to do.” Her integration with Veil had been really good for her, but Shallan missed how easy it was to ignore her emotions by handing them over to Veil. Radiant took it in stride. _I miss her too_ , she said. _I don't know anything about matters of the heart. I only know honour and valour._

 _I guess that means you don't really approve of this idea_ , Shallan thought to Radiant.

_I...I don't know. Generally when people break marriage vows, they try to keep it a secret from their spouse. The vow was to be true to each other. It didn't specify what ‘true’ means._

_Spoken like an Honorspren_ , Shallan thought. _What_ _does_ _‘true’ mean?_

Her instincts told her that as a wife, she wanted what was best for her husband and would actively pursue it. She'd already thrown some pretty unconventional and difficult things at Adolin, and he hadn’t even blinked. He just accepted her as she was. Damnation take her if she wouldn't do the same for him. 

She remembered how she had essentially declared war on the Ghostbloods while Adolin watched. He worried about her, but if she gave that up, she might as well give up Lightweaving. Searching for those secrets was a part of her, her family history, not to mention important for Roshar’s safety. 

_Adolin supported me in that. He doesn't want me to give up a part of myself, even if he doesn't fully understand it or know what's happening, and even if it's difficult for him_ , she thought, remembering their conversations in Shadesmar. _Being true to him means being willing to do the same for him._

Pattern hummed. _And yet you’re still holding onto something you won’t admit to yourself._

Shallan bristled. “No I‘m not.”

“If you want to be true to him, don’t you have to be true to yourself too?”

Shallan ignored him.

Pattern hummed.

A while later, Shallan waited for Kaladin at the restaurant she had chosen. She sat by a window overlooking the promenade on the first level of Urithiru, sipping a glass of sapphire to calm her nerves. She looked around furtively. She had purposefully chosen a place that was frequented by darkeyes to help Kaladin feel more comfortable, but now she realized just how much she stood out. She gazed down, hoping not to be noticed. She didn't want gawkers on top of everything else today. Shallan felt a stab of loss at not being able to turn into Veil - not being able to disappear in a darkeyes establishment, not being able to relax enough to have this conversation casually, the way she wished she could. She considered Lightweaving her eyes and hair, but decided against it. 

Glancing outside the restaurant, she could see a head of wavy, dark hair popping up above the crowd, and the cremlings crawled right back into her stomach, writhing around. A few red anticipationspren streamed up from the ground, whipping in the air. Kaladin entered, and Shallan waved him over, hoping he didn't see them. As he leaned forward to sit down, she was struck again by the lack of scars on his forehead. His hair was pulled back for his work as a surgeon, and a few strands had broken free of their tie to cascade across his face, which served to highlight his long eyelashes and frame his cheekbones. 

She felt her heart skip a beat. _No, that is definitely not what I need right now. This is not about me._

Pattern hummed.

They chatted for a while, catching up on the things they had missed while Shallan and Adolin were in Shadesmar. Shallan noticed that although Kaladin seemed to smile more easily, it still didn't stay long – his lips quickly pulled into a tight line, eyebrows drawing together in his usual frown.

“I still can't believe Adolin sacrificed himself like that... actually, no, I can believe it,” he mused, taking a sip of orange.

Shallan smiled. “I felt mad about it for a while.” She draped her freehand over her head dramatically. “Sure, just throw me to the side, just because the fate of Roshar is at stake,” she whinged.

Kaladin leaned in. “Shallan, he would _never_ leave you, unless the stakes were that high. You're part of Roshar too,” he said seriously. Shallan bit her lip and looked down. His intensity cut to her heart.

“I know that now... I never thought I would believe it but now I do,” she said into her food. _Just say it!_ She thought to herself. Pattern buzzed and reminded her, _You are strong. You can do this._

Shallan cleared her throat and tried to lean back casually like Veil would, but she couldn’t find a comfortable position, and her voice came out softer than she'd intended. “Actually, that's something I wanted to talk to you about,” she said, giving up on appearing casual and simply placing her hands in her lap. Kaladin scanned her movements closely, worry on his face. _Heralds, I'm already scaring him,_ she thought. She instinctively reached out for Veil, and a stab of sadness hit her instead. She would have to do this on her own. 

_Well, earnestness went a long way with Adolin,_ Shallan thought, _even if it's way outside my comfort zone._ Pattern hummed comfortingly. 

Kaladin had put down his food. He tensed and stared at her, shoulders tight, arms locked into his body, as if preparing to be hit. Shallan knew that feeling. She put out her freehand to comfort him, then withdrew, sensing the busy restaurant around her. Kaladin probably wouldn't want to be touched by a married woman in public, especially with the added risk of idle gossips about.

Instead, she turned and reached in her bag, pulling out a neatly folded page. She placed it on the table, carefully ensuring there wasn't any food there, and slid it towards Kaladin. She leaned on her elbow, trying to stay calm. She looked at him. His eyes were curious, his mouth expressionless.

“I want you to know that I know that Adolin loves me deeply and wouldn't leave me unless the fate of Roshar was at stake,” she started. “And at the same time I can't deny what I saw the other day.” Kaladin froze, staring at the folded paper. She continued, “I want you to know that you are a dear friend to me, and I support you...” she looked around furtively, checking to see whether anyone was listening. Everyone seemed to be paying attention to their own conversations. She leaned in and lowered her voice, “...and _him_.”

Kaladin ducked his head, running his hands through his hair, accidentally yanking out the hair tie. He looked to the side, murmured something inaudible, then looked back at her, confusion and anxiety in his eyes. He sat for a moment longer, staring at the folded page on the table. Shallan felt a fluttering inside, knowing that once he opened it, the truth would be out, and there would be no going back. Anticipationspren whipped around the page. She took a bite of food to quell her uneasiness but regretted it immediately.

Kaladin finally looked up. “I'm not going to like what I see here, will I?” His voice sounded hollow. Shallan returned his haunted gaze with an encouraging smile. He let out a long breath and picked up the page. 

He opened it. 

Of course, it was a drawing - an exact copy of the Memory she had taken the day they returned from Shadesmar.

[ ](https://imgbb.com/)

Kaladin's face twisted as his eyes roved over the page. 

Pattern hummed. _I think he likes it, but he doesn't like that he likes it. Hmmmmmm..._

Kaladin met Shallan’s eyes. “Shallan, you know I would never want to hurt you.” His hands fidgeted with the page, closing it and opening it again. “I...I haven't even seen Adolin since then. I wouldn't want to dishonour you or him. I respect your marriage...” he trailed off, looking guilty. He closed the page and slid it back to her.

Shallan sighed, smiling. _That might as well have been a confession of his love._ Both these men were so _honourable_ , it made her laugh a little inside. Why should honour come before love? “No, this is your copy, Kaladin,” she said. “I made another one for Adolin.”

Kaladin's eyes widened. “Adolin saw this?” he asked softly. 

Shallan grinned. "He's seen it, and he _liked it._ "

“ _Stormfather_.” He opened the page and looked at it again, his mouth turning to a frown. “Oh hush,” he said to the side, likely to his spren Syl. He looked at the image more closely, eyes searching the page.

Pattern buzzed excitedly. _This truth is tastier than lies, it tastes like violet wine! Can I follow him? Can I see them mate?_

“No Pattern,” she muttered under her breath. “They need privacy.” Although she missed Veil, she felt grateful she didn't have to fight against her trying to sneak peeks. _Although it would be easy to send Pattern to -_ _NO._

She finished her wine in one gulp, gathering her courage and her words as Kaladin pulled his attention from the image. He folded it again neatly, placing it back where Shallan had put it on the table. His face was inscrutable.

“You can't avoid Adolin forever, Kaladin,” Shallan finally said. She smiled at him in a way that she hoped was reassuring. “And for what it's worth, whatever your relationship ends up being, I support it with all my heart.” She swallowed.

Kaladin's dark brown eyes searched hers from behind his tousled hair. “Shallan, you can't possibly mean -”

“You both _mean_ a great deal to me,” she interrupted, waving away his denial. “I want you and Adolin to be happy, and if you're happy _together_ , I want to help you do that. I'm a big part of Adolin's life, but you are too. So please Kaladin, follow your heart.” She heard a tiny whoop from somewhere. That was probably also Syl. Shallan grinned, and Kaladin softened into a weak smile and rubbed his face with one hand.

“Look, Kaladin, I want us to have a good relationship too, so let's make this lunch a regular thing. Hesina said you don't usually have lunch otherwise, so it'll be good for you to get out of the clinic sometimes. And I don't want to lose any of my precious Kaladin time.” Shallan winked. Inside, she was shaking. _I definitely don't want to lose out on Kaladin time. I hope I'm not pressuring him._

Kaladin stared out the window into the street, letting out a long sigh. He tapped his fingers on the folded paper. “I can't believe I'm saying this, but if everyone in Urithiru thinks this is happening anyway, we can't lose more of our reputations, and if you are supportive… You're really ok with this?” He shifted in his seat, pulling in closer, and assessed her face with the intensity of an interrogation. Shallan felt heat rise inside as he took in every subtlety of her facial expression. She maintained her smile, embodying the hope she had for him and Adolin. Finally, Kaladin appeared satisfied as he leaned back again, nodding. “Syl will kill me if I don't at least try, but I still don't know if I can do this. I'll have to think about it more. Are you _sure_?”

“Of course Kaladin,” Shallan admonished. “If I wasn't, I wouldn't have made this drawing, and I wouldn't be encouraging you. And there's no pressure that it needs to be anything in particular. Like I said, _whatever_ your relationship with Adolin is, I'm supportive. It can be whatever you want.” She laughed encouragingly, again reaching for his hand and withdrawing, placing her hand back in her lap instead. “Let's talk again sometime soon. I don't want to keep you from the clinic too long. Remember, this is for you. It’s a gift.” She gestured towards the paper.

Kaladin grunted, touching a corner of the drawing and pulling it towards him absently, staring outside again, his face tight. With a nod, Shallan got up and left, showing no trace of how much she was shaking inside. 

"I can't believe how well that went!" She whispered to Pattern as she made her way through the market. "Adolin will be so happy!"

"You were very sincere," Pattern said. "Very encouraging when he was doubtful. You can do that for yourself too!" He buzzed, his symmetry shifting quickly. 

"One thing at a time," Shallan said dismissively. "Let's take care of Adolin and Kaladin. They need all the help they can get."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long one! Poly negotiation is tough and I don't think they even got to everything they should have talked about... Props to Shallan being a boss at making other people confront their own truths!


	4. Marriage Bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adolin and Shallan have sex. They start to think more about Adolin's sexual interests.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shadolin married sex! 
> 
> CWs: We are going right into the smut now. So consider yourself warned - this chapter is smut.

Adolin

Adolin had undressed for the night and was laying naked, sprawled out on top of the bed, his mind already drifting to what it might feel like to kiss Kaladin, to hold him. Shallan entered the room and smiled when she saw him. 

Adolin was awestruck. The dim blue light of their sphere lamps cast her red hair and deep green robe in a supernatural glow. She twirled in her robe, the thin fabric reflecting the light but also allowing glimpses into what was underneath. Adolin put his arms behind his head, leaning back in an exaggerated fashion, and wiggled his eyebrows. She grinned and saucily removed a shoulder of her robe, then slowly drew her safehand out, dropping the sleeve and revealing a breast in the process. He grinned as he took in the show and shifted his hips in bed, his hand supporting his hardening member to show his appreciation of this vision of a woman in front of him. 

Since they had gotten married, Adolin had been so grateful to just *be* there, to be with her, that he had focused almost entirely on her needs. They had learned a lot, and he was proud of his improvement in skill, but both of them had neglected to investigate his interests until recently. He wondered if perhaps he had put some of his interests to the side because he was afraid of what she might think of him. Women had left him for lesser reasons, after all. But this was Shallan, his wife - she was very open minded, and she had committed to him. So when she brought it up, he was honest with her about his feelings. He had worried that his disclosure about Kaladin might make Shallan disgusted with him, or that she might distance herself from him. To his great surprise, not only had she been understanding, but she seemed even more enthusiastic and attentive, and he was enjoying her attention very much.

She walked over to his side of the bed and leaned over him, her breast dangerously close to his face. “I can’t seem to figure out how to remove this robe. Can you help me?”

Adolin laughed and got up onto his knees. He pulled the tie loose, then touched her bare shoulder and spun her slowly, pulling the robe off her as she turned, revealing her naked body. _She is more beautiful every day,_ he thought, his heart swelling along with his cock. He dropped the robe on the floor and picked her up, throwing her onto the bed as she giggled. He loved that sound. 

He ran a hand across her body, from her calf, up her thigh, around her hip, over her soft belly, slowing to linger on her breast, before enthusiastically jumping on her, straddling her and beating her down with kisses on her neck and breasts.  _ A kiss for every freckle _ . 

“I yield, I yield!” she yelled. “That tickles!” 

She pushed him, and he pretended to take a hit, falling back onto the bed. She glanced at his cock as though she was just seeing it for the first time, and mocked surprise. 

“Is that what I think it is?” Shallan asked with a playful tone.

“You should taste it to know for sure,” Adolin drawled, propping himself up on his side. He wiggled himself for her amusement.

Shallan laughed, and bent down to taste it. The sensation was pure silky pleasure. Adolin groaned involuntarily, his head falling back to the bed. Inwardly he imagined what it might be like for Kaladin to do that, and he swelled harder.  _ Is it wrong to think of that? _

At least it seemed he wasn’t the only one thinking about Kaladin. Shallan released his cock from her mouth and glided her hand around it, holding it securely, then slowly stroked it. “How long do you think until you can get under Kaladin’s surgeon clothes?” Her smile was wicked as she slid him back between her lips again. 

Adolin stared up at the ceiling and grinned, moving his hips slightly in time with her mouth. He imagined taking Kaladin’s clothes off, and what he might find underneath. “However long it takes, but no matter when it happens it won’t be soon enough.” He was a bit worried that Kaladin wouldn’t be interested in this kind of relationship, but he was also excited by the challenge of it. 

“I could Lightweave you a guess if you like,” Shallan intoned. She had occasionally created Lightweavings around or above them to enhance the mood, but she'd never made an image of a specific person for him before. He knew it wasn't very different from a drawing, and he knew that Shallan definitely had a special sketchbook she kept for such inspirations, but somehow it felt strange to him. Maybe it was because he wasn't a Lightweaver himself, or maybe it was because she would be doing it for him to see - like a secret between them.  _ I'm not very good with secrets. _

“No, I want the real thing,” he said. “Besides, I have a feeling he would be mortified if he ever found out we did that.” 

Shallan shrugged and nodded, satisfied with his answer. Adolin wondered whether she ever did that on her own. If she did, that was her own private business. If she was alone, it wasn’t any different than what he pictured inside his mind, and the pictures he wove inside his mind could also make Kaladin mortified.  _ Or he might like it... _

Her mouth smoothly enveloped his shaft and out again, rolling her tongue across the head. She was getting *very* good at that. Almost too good. The warmth, the wetness, and his imagination were bringing him closer to orgasm than he wanted to be so soon. Adolin gestured to her to get up, then followed suit. He wrapped his arms around her, laying her on her back. “As much as I might accidentally think about Kaladin, you’re the one here with me tonight," Adolin said. "I want to focus on you.” He crawled on top of her, covering her breasts with licks and kisses, and she arched her back into his touch. His infatuation was spilling over into excitement about Shallan’s body. The contrast in his desires was bringing out his attention to the details of her form - her ears, her freckles, her hip bones. He explored her with his mouth, revelling in how alive he felt, his senses keen with the thrill of her body against his. 

Shallan kissed his mouth, her lips soft and warm against his own, her nose cold against his face. She pulled herself closer to him, skin to skin, and ran her hands across his shoulders and back. Adolin soaked up her pleased murmurs about his muscles, smiling into their kiss. Having sex with Shallan was comfortable and so very pleasurable. He melted into her, feeling grateful again. 

She reached over and grabbed a towel that was conveniently beside the bed, and placed it under her hips. That was a sign that she was expecting to come a lot tonight. His excitement growing, he traced kisses back down her body, and nuzzled between her legs. 

"You ready?" she asked mischievously. 

He grinned back, quoting a metaphor she often used. "Once the storm hits, I'll bunker in until the riddens." 

She was already wet, and he licked her eagerly, running his tongue across her clit. She relaxed into him and hummed pleasantly. He held his tongue flat against her clit, feeling it pulse against him, then licked broad, firm strokes over it. Shallan moaned. She held his head between her hands, running her fingers through his hair, as he licked the vague shape of the Kholin glyph into her. He sucked her, then changed his pattern of licking, and soon she came, spilling hot and wet over his face. He pushed a little harder, flicking up and down like she liked, and she came again, bucking her hips against him. He held his breath and continued until she moaned and settled again. Adolin nibbled her outer lips gently and she hummed pleasantly. Suddenly he realized he didn’t  _ feel  _ the hum going through her body. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, and she looked back with a question on her face. She wasn’t humming.

“Pattern, wherever you are, get out!” he said sternly.

“Sorry!” The pleasant humming exited the room. Shallan laughed. 

“He didn't sound sorry. You need to get a handle on him,” Adolin said, shaking his head.    
  
“It’s more difficult than it sounds,” Shallan responded, chuckling. “He’s determined to figure out humans.” 

“Guess I’ll just have to get a handle on you then,” Adolin smiled, grabbing her hips and pulling her towards his face again. Instead, Shallan sat up, moving him into a seated position, then straddled him and lowered her body. She slid Adolin’s cock into her and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her breasts pressing against his chest. Adolin forgot all about spying spren, focusing on kissing her neck instead. 

The slick wetness and heat of her body made him groan against her skin as she moved against him, rocking her hips. Adolin closed his eyes and let himself drift into sensation. He ran his hands along her back, her smooth, soft skin almost flowing beneath his fingertips. He lost himself in her. Moving on instinct, he grabbed her ass with his hands and helped lift her up and down. As she kissed him, he grasped her ass over and over, spreading her cheeks apart. He thought about putting a finger in her asshole, imagining how it might feel. Suddenly it wasn't her asshole, but Kaladin's. The blind  _ need _ was starting to get overwhelming. 

“You’re thinking about Kaladin, aren’t you? What do you want to do to him?” she whispered into his ear.

He pulled himself out of his reverie. “Is it that obvious?” 

She kissed him deeply, then got up off of him. “You’ve never touched my ass like that before. Do you want to practice for him?” On her hands and knees, she turned her body around so her ass was facing him. She looked back, tossing her hair dramatically. “I don’t have all his parts but I can help with this…” She wiggled her ass.

Adolin didn’t need to be offered twice. He dived in, burying his face between her cheeks, and licking her asshole eagerly.  _ Why haven’t we done this before? _ he thought. _This is so good_. Her moans were encouraging. She lowered her head onto her forearms. “I had no idea this would feel so good…” she said into the sheets. 

He touched her cheeks and thighs as he licked, grabbing what he wanted. He was throbbing, aching with desire. He wanted to be inside her. “How...how do I do this?” he asked. 

“Put your cock in my ass, Adolin,” she breathed. She started to touch herself, and she leaned down more, exposing more of her ass to him. His breath hitched when he saw her eagerness, and he leaned in again, kissing and licking with renewed vigour.

“But what if I hurt you?” he panted.

She laughed. “I’m a Radiant, love. If I can walk away from being run through with a sword, I can take your spear. I want you inside me,” she said, more urgently. “This feels really good...I want more.”

Adolin was persuaded. His cock was coated with her come, and he added his saliva for good measure. He lined himself up with her slicked asshole and pushed gently against it. Shallan moaned, “Oh, that feels good. Push harder.” He did, and started to ride her rhythm to press his tip against her. After a moment or two suddenly the head of his cock popped inside. Two things happened - Adolin felt an intense pressure and heat around his cock, and Shallan yelped. “Oh, Almighty!” she cried. 

Adolin stopped. “Are you ok?”

She stopped too. “Yeah...just...hold it there for a second.” Adolin rubbed her back slowly, helping her to relax, and he felt the tension of her body around him release a bit. It felt like her ass was gripping him, and he started to feel intoxicated. “Mmmm…” they hummed in unison. 

Shallan shifted slightly. “Ok, you hold still for now and I'll do the pushing.” 

“I can do that,” Adolin said. A part of him didn't want to wait, but he restrained himself. Instead he braced his body as she started a light rhythm again, pushing his cock very slightly further into her with each movement. Her moans intensified, and she started touching herself again. On every beat, her hips sheathed more of him in her ass, and the sense of being so completely gripped almost overwhelmed his senses. His breath was becoming ragged, and he clung to her hips, trying hard to stay still. Soon her ass was bumping against his balls and hips, and her movements were getting more energetic.

"Run me through, Adolin," Shallan said in a deep, throaty voice. He'd never heard her use that tone before, and the sound of it brought on a thrill unmatched by battle. He joined her rhythm, pulling her ass towards him as she pushed into him, and they both cried out. He slapped his hips against her ass, abandoning his restraint. She was rubbing herself energetically, and he heard her come again. He touched her thighs to feel the wetness dripping down her legs, and thrust into her as deeply as he could. He reached underneath her to touch her breasts, then ran his hands around her shoulders and across her back, finding purchase on her hips again. From inside and outside her, he felt her body shuddering with pleasure as she came again. He lost sense of anything except the waves of pressure tightening around his cock, the warmth building deep in his balls, the pleasure begging to be released. His muscles tensed, and he came into her with a gasp, grabbing her shoulders with his wet hands for support. For a moment the world was still and clear, his mind completely at peace, a vision of an eternity of passionspren in front of his eyes. Then the room returned to him, and he realized he was still gripping Shallan’s body as though he was a fearful rider. He laughed, remembering Kaladin trying to ride for the first time, and let go of Shallan, rubbing her shoulders and slowly, gently pulling out of her. 

He flopped to the bed on his back beside Shallan, who had collapsed on her belly. They both lay there for a moment, catching their breaths. They gazed dreamily into each other's eyes, smiling at each other, and taking in what had just happened.

“Let’s definitely do that again sometime,” Shallan breathed, her voice still deeply relaxed. 

“Yes, let’s,” Adolin agreed, dazed. “You really enjoyed that, huh?”

“Yeah,” she said, reaching out to him. “There was definitely a little pain at the beginning but I think when I was able to control the movement it was easier to relax and it felt a lot better. Once we got going though, Adolin, it only felt good. Smooth. I felt like I had no choice but to relax. It was like you knew exactly what to do and when to do it. It was incredible.”

Adolin smiled at the compliment, and memorized what they'd learned so he could use it again later. He propped his head up, rolling to his side. “Which do you like better, front or back?” he asked, curious.

“Can’t a lady have both?” Shallan smiled. “They definitely both have their merits. I think we’ll have to do more experiments. You know, do some repeat testing to make sure we’ve gotten all the factors. What about you? Which do you like better?”

Adolin was already yawning. “Wow, that took a lot out of me. Sorry, dear. I'd say the novelty of the ass has a hold on me right now, but I wouldn't want to give up any part of you. Let’s get cleaned up before I fall asleep here.”

Shallan nodded, slowly rolling off the bed and grabbing her robe. “Pattern is going to be insufferable. He's got a thousand questions about...the back entrance.” 

Adolin guffawed. “Well I’m not going to tell him. I feel lucky I don’t have to try to describe sex to a spren. No thank you.”

“It’s a strange bond," Shallan replied seriously. "In some ways, it’s closer than a romantic relationship because they’re literally inside your head. They know things that you don’t want to know yourself sometimes. Then on top of that they are so foreign and curious, and it’s hard to set boundaries." She laughed as she shrugged on her robe. "Don’t be so glib about it, Adolin - you might have to teach Maya to keep out of our room someday.” She laughed.

As he got out of bed, Adolin noticed that none of the spheres had gone dun, and he smiled with relief and a bit of pride. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have very much enjoyed thinking about the words each character uses for various sex related concepts. I think Shallan uses a lot of euphemisms and pet names, Adolin uses words he learned as a soldier, and Kaladin prefers medical terms.


	5. Diagnosis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adolin goes to Kaladin for a diagnosis. No big CWs here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: “Throat's gemheart” = Adam’s apple

Kaladin

The smell of antiseptic wafted through the room as Kaladin worked. There was a certain calm that usually came from wiping down the examination table in between patients, but it didn't seem to be coming to him today. He was having trouble concentrating. Avoiding Adolin was getting more difficult - he had been actively trying to avoid everyone except Shallan, actually, since he had first been teased by Lopen and Skar - and Shallan was right that he couldn't avoid it forever. Still, he felt that he needed to make a decision before he saw him again. 

“You’re thinking about Adolin again, aren’t you?” Syl asked, sitting on a package of bandages, her blue skirt drifting in an imaginary breeze. 

“It’s just so difficult, Syl,” he moaned, splashing more antiseptic on a cloth and wiping down the counter. 

“It’s not difficult!” she exclaimed, standing up. “You like him, and he likes you. Even you can’t deny that anymore.” She smiled proudly, as though she had created Shallan’s storming drawing herself. 

_ There's no denying that Adolin likes me. But do I really like Adolin? And is it worth it to take such a huge risk? _

“What's left to decide?" Syl asked. "Shallan, lovely Shallan, has given you her consent to figure out what kind of  _ like _ you have. You deserve to spend time with someone who cares about you.”

Kaladin sat down, still holding the bottle of antiseptic, wishing he could crawl out of his own skin rather than think about this. He turned to her. “It's more complicated than that, Syl. It's about more than Shallan and Adolin's marriage. It's a huge risk. If I can’t give Adolin what he wants, not only do I lose _two_ friendships, which is frightening enough, but I could be strung out in a highstorm. The clinic--my family--could be at risk. He’s the storming Kholin Highprince! Even if he doesn’t go after me, what about Dalinar? Or Renarin? Or _Queen_ _Jasnah_? If I can't meet his expectations, my family could get thrown out of Urithiru! It would kill my father to be separated from Hearthstone’s people. And Oroden would have no place to grow up…” he sighed, turning the bottle in his hands. “My mother would be so excited if I had a relationship, it’s all she talks about these days. And if it broke up, I think it might even be worse than the eviction.” He stood and started pacing, leaving the bottle on the counter absentmindedly. "And besides that, Shallan gave consent to figure out _what_ our relationship is, but what if she doesn't like what we decide on? She is married to him and I'm, I'm nothing." He gritted his teeth, wishing he could harden his heart. "No matter what I do, I'll always be on the outside looking in. He would never, _could_ never, be mine. Not truly. Don't you see, Syl? I'm bargaining with clearmarks." 

“But Kal, Adolin and Shallan would never hurt you! I know it! Maybe the way isn't clear, but you'll figure it out. He likes you! Journey before destination, remember?” Syl responded enthusiastically, almost pleading. 

“Well, he might not  _ like _ me anymore if he got to know me better…” Kaladin muttered hopelessly. “Being a Radiant isn't exactly rare anymore. I'm not a Highmarshal. I'm not even a soldier. I'm broken. What do either of them even see in me that they think there's a chance it could work?"  _ What are they after?  _ he thought. "Syl, I can’t talk about this right now. I need to get to my next patient.” He leaned out the door to signal to Hesina that he was ready for the next person in line. She was smiling and laughing at someone around the corner. Kaladin smiled, trying to relax. It was nice to see her settled in and helping the other residents feel more comfortable too. She waved the patient around the corner, revealing none other than Adolin Storming Kholin, Highprince of Kholinar, striding confidently towards him. 

He was wearing an immaculate uniform of Kholin blue. His boots had been polished bright and they clicked against the stone floor as he walked. His pants were neatly pressed, tucked into the boots with military precision. The jacket itself was simply ornamented, just outside the limits of the Codes, with silver stripes on the cuffs and along the bottom, silver buttons along the sides, and the Kholin glyph embroidered on the chest and sleeves, also in silver. The jacket was open, without a vest underneath, only a starched white shirt, which practically shone against the blue. The white shirt revealed the dark circles of his nipples underneath. And his friendly open face, his perfectly messy hair… _ I am not ready for this _ , Kaladin thought wildly. His brain froze as Adolin smiled and said hello. Automatically, he waved this new patient in. In his daze, he missed seeing his mother peeking back around the corner as they stepped into the examination room. 

Kaladin closed the door and faced him, realizing in a panic just how small the room was. He could smell a hint of Adolin’s cologne in the air and suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. He turned away, fumbling with the antiseptic which he’d forgotten to put away, buying some time to retrieve his brain from wherever he’d left it. 

Adolin hopped on the table, pretending as though he were just another patient. “Surgeon Stormblessed,” he said formally, “I have a problem I need help with.” Kaladin heard the warmth and humour in his voice, and his breath hitched. So much for avoiding him.  _ No, I can't do this right now!  _

Kaladin’s surgeon brain finally emerged.  _ If there’s a problem, I will fix it, even if the patient makes me feel…things.  _ He turned towards Adolin, straightening his back and assuming his most professional demeanour. He met Adolin’s beautiful blue eyes, and his knees immediately threatened to collapse under him. He leaned against the far end of the table to muster his strength. “What can I do for you today?” he managed.

“Well,” Adolin smiled, his legs kicking idly off the edge of the examination table, “there seems to be something wrong with my heart.” He looked down, patting his chest, then glanced up at Kaladin through gorgeous blond-and-black lashes, a shy smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Kaladin caught his breath. It felt like the world had gone still.  _ Storms _ ,  _ I’m in real trouble. I have to get him out of here! Think! _

“That sounds serious,” Kaladin said, frowning. “What are your symptoms?” 

Adolin took a long, slow intentional breath, his hand over his heart, making eye contact with Kaladin in an extremely personal and upsetting way. “Well, Surgeon Stormblessed, my heart is beating quite quickly. Sometimes I can feel it in my throat as though it’s trying to jump out. My stomach flips around like a skyeel, and I’ve lost my appetite. I’m very distracted. I almost forgot to put the protector on my Shardblade when I was sparring today.” He looked at Kaladin sheepishly.

As Adolin was speaking, Kaladin tried desperately to observe him like a surgeon.  _ Hands fidgeting. Breathing shallow _ , he noted. 

Kaladin stepped forward, lifting Adolin‘s arm and feeling the pulse in his wrist.  _ Hands cold and sweaty _ . “Do you feel any numbness or tingling in your left arm? Are you experiencing any chest pain?”

“Um, no,” Adolin replied. His body perceptibly leaned into Kaladin's touch. 

_ Pulse is a bit high for someone so athletic, but not anywhere near dangerous levels, _ he thought.  _ I can rule out a heart attack _ .  _ Face flushed. Is he feverish? _ Kaladin put his hand to Adolin’s forehead. Adolin's eyes closed and he pressed his face against Kaladin’s hand.  _ Warm but not feverish,  _ he concluded. He removed his hand and began to pace the room, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“Are you overly thirsty? Is your urination more frequent than usual?”

Adolin smirked. “You could say I'm more thirsty than usual." He blinked. "…Urination? Um, normal I guess?”

“Are you fatigued?”

“No, if anything I have more energy than usual.” Adolin's smile wavered. 

Kaladin stepped right into Adolin’s personal space, noses almost touching. Kaladin pointedly looked away from his soft eyes and full lips. 

“Could you please exhale slowly?” he asked. Adolin complied, and Kaladin smelled his breath.  _ It doesn’t smell fruity. I can rule out diabetic ketoacidosis _ , he thought, ignoring his own heart racing from being so close to the man.  _ His breath smells good, everything about him is so good...Stop it! Stop it! Focus! _

His face still inches away from Adolin's, Kaladin reached out with both hands and gently palpated Adolin’s lymph nodes. He placed his fingers at the back of Adolin's jaw, close to his ears, and slowly, pressing gently, traced symmetrical lines towards his chin and then down his neck, ending at the opposite sides of his throat's gemheart. Adolin swallowed. Kaladin’s fingers lingered briefly, tracing lightly one last time before removing them reluctanly. He realized his hands were shaking. Kaladin shook his head, angry at himself for slipping even slightly.  _ This is a professional setting. I should have more control _ . He stepped away, standing stiffly with his traitorous, lingering hands clasped firmly behind his back.

“Well, the good news is that you don’t seem to have any major or urgent issues. However, I am concerned that you might be developing an infection. You have recently travelled to a foreign location and we don't know what kind of illnesses exist in Shadesmar. I'd like you to stay home and rest this afternoon, and I will come by after I'm done here to check in on you." 

Adolin's eyes widened and his mouth tightened. "Um, yes, of course Surgeon." He buttoned up his jacket, face flushing again, and stepped off the table. Kaladin turned away, searching his cupboards. Adolin opened the door to leave.

"Oh, Adolin, take this." Kaladin proffered a small pouch. "It's powdered knobweed root. Dissolve it in a glass of water, gargle, and swallow. It can help stave off infection." Adolin's hand brushed against Kaladin's as he took it, and Kaladin's fingers tingled at the touch. Adolin turned to leave again. 

"Adolin?" Kaladin suddenly asked, surprising himself.

"Yes Surgeon?" Adolin responded from the doorway, his face still turned away.

"I should thank you." Kaladin scrambled for a reason to have called him back.  _ What are you doing, Kaladin? He was almost gone, _ he thought angrily, but he knew a part of him wanted Adolin to stay.

"For what?" Adolin turned back towards Kaladin, his face scrunched up, infuriatingly adorable.  _ There's no way this can end well for you, Kaladin,  _ he warned himself. 

Kaladin cleared his throat.  _ Can I say something light and funny, like Shallan? _ "Well, since those rumours started going around, the number of young women coming to my clinic with vague ailments has dropped to zero. Now I can focus on people who actually need my help." He tried to smile encouragingly, but it came out more like a grimace.

"Oh," Adolin said in a strangled voice. He ran his hand through his beautiful hair, leaving a clump standing up. It was everything Kaladin could do not to reach out and place it back. 

Adolin nearly ran from the clinic, clutching the pouch. 

Kaladin turned and ensconced himself in the examination room. " Stupid, stupid, _stupid_ ," he said to himself. He grabbed the antiseptic and started scrubbing furiously. " Stupid joke. And unprofessional. You've wasted perfectly good knobweed root. You allowed yourself to touch a patient unnecessarily. You know his diagnosis  and  you didn't have the courage to say anything. And now you're going to meet him in his rooms tonight. What happened to buying some time to think?"  He thought of how muscular Adolin's neck was, how gorgeous his hair, the look in his eyes when he said it was his heart. He melted at the thought. He thought about how his body reacted to touching Adolin's, his fingers trembling, his desire to not let him leave. He let out a noise somewhere between a groan and a squeak. The memory of his talk with Shallan lingered.  _ Whatever it ends up being, I support it with all my heart _ , she had said. 

Syl appeared, quickly climbing her invisible steps and settling on her belly in midair, intently watching Kaladin. "You mean he doesn't have an infection? What's his real diagnosis?"

Kaladin gritted his teeth. "He doesn't just like me, Syl. He's in love. And...so am I."

_ Stormfather! _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of the first ideas I had for this fic. I loved it SO MUCH when Adolin came by the surgery clinic in RoW before he left for Shadesmar and this is what I wanted to happen.


	6. Eyes of Red and Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaladin makes a house call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that in the text, “eyes of red and blue” means refusing to admit the truth, but idk maybe Kaladin is remembering it wrong. He heard that story a long time ago when he was super stressed. Don’t @ me ;)
> 
> CW mention of suicidality/honour chasm

Adolin

Adolin laid on his couch, stewing. He and Shallan had spent a lot of time coming up with a way to talk to Kaladin without scaring him, and it had failed miserably. They'd thought that if Adolin surprised him, Kaladin wouldn't be anxious beforehand, and if he met him on his own territory he would feel more confident. But they hadn't taken into consideration that Kaladin would be so storming  _ professional.  _ Before he'd even had a chance to make it playful, Surgeon Stormblessed had diagnosed him and sent him on his way. 

_ Then  _ Adolin had to cancel his meeting with Sebarial so he could rest all afternoon with nothing to distract him from his thoughts. The drink had been disgusting. And laying here was making him irritated. When he needed to clear his mind, he needed to  _ move  _ \- put a sword in his hand and an opponent in front of him. A duel could put him in a place where he was so focused that the rest of the world fell away.  _ That's what I need right now, not to stew in my failure with a literal bitter taste in my mouth.  _

He didn't even know he could get sick from anything in Shadesmar. A sword in the stomach? Sure. But a common throat infection? It seemed farfetched. 

...in fact, thinking about it, it  _ did  _ seem suspicious. He went over the event again in his mind.  _ Storms, I'm lucky I decided to use a breath freshener _ . He knew he couldn't predict the future, but Kaladin  _ smelling his breath _ was not in any of his plans... 

The bridgeboy had been so thorough. Kaladin was a well trained surgeon, one of the best in Roshar, probably. There's no way he could have missed that Adolin was describing his feeling of falling in love with him.  _ That was supposed to be sweet and clever but it had no effect on him whatsoever _ , he thought, unnerved.  _ Maybe I’m just imagining that he likes me _ ... He looked over to the desk where Shallan’s drawing was sitting.  _ No, it’s real _ , he reassured himself. The truth that had been revealed was unmistakable. He shook his head.  _ Then where did I go wrong? _ Kaladin must have known that Adolin was faking it and was punishing him for wasting his time.  _ Now I can focus on people who  _ _ actually _ _ need my help _ , he recited, groaning. What a mess. He threw an arm over his eyes.

...but there was more to it, too. He had gotten no emotion off Kaladin. It was as though he was playing the role of surgeon. It felt familiar. It was like...it was like interacting with Radiant, actually. 

Adolin sat up, throwing the blanket off. Shallan had said that Radiant was there to protect her from her emotions and memories. Kaladin's demeanor in the surgery clinic may not be a persona, but it was enough to protect him from whatever he was feeling.  _ Wait a minute _ , he thought.  _ He didn't call me Highprince Kholin. He called me Adolin. _

Adolin smiled. "So much for hiding your feelings, bridgeboy.” He smirked and looked over at the drawing. “Well, no point in 'resting' anymore, is there Maya?" he said, standing. "Might as well start getting an outfit ready for this house call." 

**************

A few hours later, he was back on the couch, underneath the blanket again, when he heard a knock on the door. His senses felt acutely alive, like the moments before a duel. Adolin started wondering if he had eaten chicken today, and idly wished he’d had Shallan paint a glyph for him.  _ No, I don’t need those anymore. I have Maya,  _ he thought, comforted by her presence. 

"Come," he called, and Kaladin entered. 

To Adolin's surprise, Kaladin wasn't wearing his surgeon's uniform. Instead, he wore a simple white shirt and brown trousers, like what the darkeyes from his town wore. The shirt was too tight across the shoulders, but hung loosely from his armpits; his pants were a few sizes too small. Judging by the tightness of the crotch, he could tell the trouser cuffs likely didn't even reach his ankles. Still, he would look handsome in anything. Adolin stretched and sat up slowly. 

Kaladin stood awkwardly, not approaching. "Did you take the knobweed root?"

"Yes," Adolin answered. "If my surgeon tells me to do something, I do it. I also cancelled my appointments and rested all afternoon. In fact, I was feeling fine, until you entered. Now my heart is racing again. Will you listen to it?” He threw the blanket off and stood, revealing that he was wearing the soft silk layers preferred by the elite. It was, of course, tailored to highlight his best features. 

Kaladin blushed. He took a step towards Adolin, his hands in fists, arms rigid at his sides. He looked down. "I... I need to apologize about that. I breached professional conduct by being dishonest. I misled you. You're not in danger of infection, as far as I'm aware. I'm sorry."

Adolin closed the distance between them slowly, at an angle, as though he were approaching a wild horse.  _ Give him some room _ , he thought.  _ Let him know he's free to escape. _

"Well, I can't say I was looking forward to meeting with Sebarial," he said soothingly, with warmth in his voice. He smiled and lifted his eyebrows. "If you misled me, then, what's my actual diagnosis?"

"Adolin," Kaladin warned, his brow furrowed, "You know already, better than I do." He crossed his arms over his chest. A heartbeat later, he lifted his head and looked into Adolin’s eyes, searching. Storms, his eyes were intense. He didn’t have his surgeon role to protect him now - his emotions were right on the surface, like the storm inside a sphere. 

"At ease, bridgeboy, you don't have to say it." Adolin tried to lighten the mood. As much as he desperately wanted to hear it, he didn't want his closest friend to bolt either. 

"No, Adolin, you deserve to know the truth." Kaladin stood stiffly, elbows locked, twisting awkwardly in silence. Adolin backed off and gestured towards the couch. Kaladin sat on one end of the couch, and Adolin brought two glasses of orange wine and handed one over. He sat at the opposite end, leaning back, one slippered foot up on the couch, knee up like a barrier, giving Kaladin lots of room. He took a sip and waited, trying to exude calm.

Kaladin sat stiff and straight, feet on the floor. He wiggled a bit and then leaned forward, elbows on his knees, holding the cup of orange in both hands as though it could warm him. He stared forward sightlessly as he began speaking. 

"When I was a slave on Bridge Four, Sigzil told me a story about prisoners who had the choice between a quick easy death, or a long, slow, painful death - with only a glimmer of a hope to survive. The prisoners would always choose the long painful death for the promise of a small chance of survival. When you take a fool's hope, you have 'eyes of red and blue' - red for the cuts you bled into the sea, blue for the water you would die in when the greatshell inevitably ate you. At the time, I had realized that the bridgemen were bait in Sadeas’ plans - that no amount of skill or strength training would get us out alive. We had essentially been handed a death sentence." He turned to Adolin, a sad softness in his eyes, and Adolin brought down his leg instinctively. He shuffled closer to Kaladin, matching his posture beside him. 

Kaladin continued. "Even though I had just survived a highstorm, something impossible by any measure, I still didn't believe there was any hope. I started to eye the Honour Chasm again. I was a miserable wretch." 

He sighed, staring into his wine. "It was not too long after that I learned the phrase ‘journey before destination’, and saw some wisdom in having eyes of red and blue. If I gave up, I would be at my destination, but there was still life to be lived - I just didn‘t know it. Bridge Four, some of us at least,” he paused, “ended up surviving multiple times against immeasurable odds. We survived the greatshell, so to speak. When I think back on it now, I can see that I kept choosing the journey, and that’s what got me here today.” 

Kaladin looked up then, his dark brown eyes shining, his lips frowning slightly. He swallowed. "Adolin, I'm a broken man. I almost...lost myself again,  _ recently _ . I’m still exhausted from what happened here. I'm not a Highmarshal. I'm not even a soldier anymore. I’m confused about who I am, where I belong. I feel like I’m drowning, and here are you and Shallan, offering me a hand. Everything inside me is screaming that you will pull me up just to consume me, and a part of me is eager to see it happen so I can finally just die.”

Adolin’s heart wrenched.  _ No wonder a fun and light approach didn’t work.. _ . “Kaladin, I...” he was at a loss for words. He hung his head, and some stray hair fell into his eye. Kaladin reached over and brushed it back gently, his lips trembling slightly. Adolin shivered at the touch and met his eyes again.

“Adolin, I’m telling you this so you get an idea how hopeless this seems to me. But...I'm also starting to believe that it's worth it to try, even if the prospect of failure is overwhelming." Kaladin gave him a weak, watery smile. “Despite what seems like insurmountable odds, I have to accept the fact that you love me, that you want to be closer to me for reasons I do not understand. You haven’t let me down before. You remind me to live by the Words.”

_ Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.  _ Adolin's heart grew warm.

Then his stomach flipped.  _ Wait, is this really happening? _ "Yes! Kaladin, I do love you,” he said earnestly. He put down his cup of wine. “I care about you so much my heart hurts just thinking about it. I want to be closer to you." He reached towards Kaladin, tentatively, not knowing where to touch, his hand hovering between them. 

"Adolin..." Kaladin put down his cup and turned to him, grasping Adolin's hand. He turned it palm upwards, and massaged the meat of his palm with both thumbs. "I don't think you understand just how difficult this will be. It's probably impossible. Are you willing to do this even if I scare you? Even though you know it’s dangerous?” Kaladin bit his lip. “Do you have eyes of red and blue?”

_ Stormfather, he thinks he’s going to hurt me _ . He remembered his father’s words, and the warning suddenly made sense.  _ Damnation, I will  _ _ not _ _ hurt him _ . Adolin nodded seriously. “I would brave the greatshell myself.” 

Kaladin searched his eyes intently for a moment. Adolin sat up straight under his gaze, not breaking the eye contact, jaw out, defiant. After a moment, Kaladin brought Adolin’s hand towards his mouth and kissed his palm, then placed the hand around his waist. Adolin's heart leaped as he felt the heat and smoothness of Kaladin's waist through his rough spun shirt.  _ By Shalash herself, this is happening! _ He grinned. 

Kaladin's eyes were alight with energy, and he was looking at Adolin's lips. Instinctively, Adolin drew his hand down Kaladin's waist, under his ass, and grasped him under the thighs in a move he had learned in wrestling. Instead of flipping him off balance, though, he smoothly pulled his friend's whole body around and into his lap, other hand sliding behind his back to steady him. Kaladin’s arms were already wrapping around his shoulders. Adolin tilted his head up, and their lips met. Adolin opened his mouth, preparing to meet tongue with tongue as he did with Shallan, whereas Kaladin had pressed his lips in a tight purse, and Adolin ended up licking his mouth. 

Kaladin pulled back, wiping his mouth, smiling and looking around. "Did Syl put you up to that?” He smirked at Adolin. “Is that what you want for our first kiss? A trick?" Adolin laughed, hugging Kal close and then pulling back again. 

"Like you said, making this work is going to be difficult,” Adolin grinned. He couldn’t stop grinning. “Nearly impossible, in fact.” He pulled him in tight again, kissing under his chin. “So it’s going to take a  _ lot  _ of practice to get it right.” 

Their lips came together again, and this time he met Kaladin on his own terms, lips softly grazing against lips, bodies pressed against each other. _ Storms, he feels so good _ . 

Adolin relished the sensations, smelling a hint of antiseptic and natural sweat, feeling the ripple of muscle across his broad shoulders through the rough shirt, the warmth and weight of Kaladin’s body on his thighs.  _ He’s so masculine _ , he thought, enjoying the rough stubble on his cheeks, the breadth of his muscular back. 

He felt a warmth flow through him. He shifted his weight underneath Kaladin and heard him gasp. The sound aroused him. He moved his hands around Kaladin’s front and upward, languorously brushing across his chest as he did so. He grasped the sides of Kaladin’s face to kiss him deeper, thumbs brushing across his cheekbones. He felt wetness, and suddenly Adolin pulled away.

“Are you crying?”

Kaladin’s eyes were closed, tears streaming down. “I’m so sorry Adolin. I didn’t mean to.” He sniffled loudly and placed his hands over his face, shaking his head.

“No, you don’t have to - I mean -” Adolin was at a loss. It seemed to be going so  _ well _ . “What’s wrong Kal? Hold on,” Adolin set him back on the couch and yanked off his silk cravat, handing it to Kaladin, and wrapped his arm around his shoulders.

Kaladin accepted the cravat and blew his nose unceremoniously into it. Adolin winced internally, but mercifully his face remained impassive.

“I...I don’t know what happened,” Kaladin finally said, looking down. “I felt like...I was just starting to relax, and the tears just came out all of a sudden. I felt a glimmer of, of happiness for a second. It felt...good...but also...overwhelming. I can’t remember the last time I felt good, besides flying.” He sniffled. 

“Whatever it is, you know you always have me to help. We can figure it out together,” was all Adolin could think to say. He squeezed Kaladin’s shoulder. Kaladin turned to him, eyes watering again, and clutched Adolin’s clothing, crumpling it in his fists. “I feel good, but I'm crying...I don’t know what’s happening to me,” he whispered, and buried his face in Adolin’s chest, weeping profusely onto Adolin’s sexiest shirt. 

Pulling him in close, Adolin felt a deep sadness, and he rested his head on Kaladin's heaving shoulder. The room felt darker, as though the lamp's spheres had dimmed. Being with Kaladin wasn’t going to be as lighthearted and fun as he had hoped, but it felt incredible to have his trust.  _ All my plans have crumbled, and yet this still feels right somehow _ , Adolin thought as he held Kaladin tight. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how when you've been holding back emotions they all just come out at the same time once you start to relax?? Thank goodness our emotional support himbo is here <3


	7. A Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shallan has a lot of worries and some complicated feelings that she's not ready to deal with. Jasnah winks at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Internal poly negotiation. Turns out feelings aren't predictable, convenient, or easy to deal with! Who knew?

Shallan

Shallan sat at a desk in a small room in the basement of Urithiru, a wing reserved for finances, reviewing reports submitted by Kholin scribes for approval. Her stomach had been hurting all afternoon and into the evening. Being the wife of a Highprince came with significant responsibilities, on top of her current worries about tracking down the Ghostbloods, leading the Lightweavers during wartime, healing herself, and figuring out how to swear the Fourth Ideal. It was starting to feel overwhelming. An anxietyspren popped up on the table, looking like a black sword.  _ Testament. I can’t forget about Testament. I need to help her too, somehow.  _ She rested her head in her hands for a moment, then rubbed her face. 

_ Speaking of swords _ ... _ I wonder what Adolin and Kaladin are doing. _ Adolin had sent a messenger to her earlier this afternoon asking if she could keep working until Nomon rose. 

Kaladin was going to come over!

Shallan smiled, excited for Adolin, but then a sensation like a burning hot fabrial appeared in her belly.  _ I thought I was okay with this _ . "Pattern, what's wrong with me?" she asked, irritated. "When I planned this, I imagined that it would be fun, and so sweet, and it’s arousing to imagine them...you know, duelling. But I can’t shake this weird feeling." 

"Jealousy?" Pattern emerged from her skirt, sliding across the financial records. 

Shallan retreated at the word, and Radiant popped up. "No, it couldn't possibly be. She was happy when she came up with the plan.  _ She _ showed them the truth. They would never have pursued their feelings on their own. Shallan thought it out carefully and weighed the pros and cons justly. She knows Adolin wouldn't leave us for him. Logically, it couldn't be jealousy." Radiant relaxed and Shallan emerged again, relieved to have Radiant's support.  _ Adolin couldn't leave me,  _ she thought.  _ Kaladin can't approve his financial records _ . 

She tried to imagine what they might be doing right now. She leaned on her elbow, smiling. Their tongues tasting each other, revelling in each other’s masculine forms, Adolin touching Kaladin, without her -

That burning feeling ate away at her insides. She was glad she had skipped dinner. 

Pattern hummed. " _ You _ should be mating with Adolin, not Kaladin. The proper rituals have not been performed. I think I understand the importance of the rituals now. I did not understand them before. I can smell your fear, you know."

Shallan frowned in a skeptical laugh. "That's ridiculous. I'm not afraid. Why should I be afraid of love? I must just be missing Veil - she would have loved this." Her heart ached in multiple different ways. She felt excited and anxious and tired and sad. Pattern hummed, delighted at the complexity.

Just then the door opened and Jasnah entered. "Shallan? I wasn't expecting to see you here. Not this late, anyway. Don't you usually go to the tavern with Adolin on nights there's a highstorm?"

Shallan's head shot up, reacting instinctively to her queen-and-mentor's commanding presence. She started shuffling her papers nervously, then stilled her hands, composing herself.  _ I cannot do anything to confirm the rumours _ , she thought. She turned to Jasnah. "Well, since we returned from Shadesmar, Adolin's been getting more serious about his role as Highprince and he wanted me to check out the finances." She looked Jasnah in the eye, showing no weakness. Pattern slid back onto the hem of her skirt, humming lightly. 

"He's showing some interest in the role, finally," Jasnah sounded pleasantly surprised. "I wouldn't have guessed that, the way he seems so distracted in meetings." She leaned forward, looking over the pages briefly, then turned to face Shallan. 

Jasnah tapped the stack of paper, displaying uncharacteristic unease. "I hope you won't forget some of the more...pleasant aspects of being a Highprince's wife. The Kholins do need more heirs." She smiled encouragingly and winked. 

Shallan stared blankly.  _ Did Jasnah just wink?! _

Jasnah continued, frowning. "I know I'm not getting anywhere with it, and it seems neither is Renarin." 

"...Why, uh, sure, we've been thinking about an heir..." Shallan stuttered, putting the pages away and getting up.  _ Just throw it on the pile of worries... _

" _Thinking_ about it won't get Alethkar a strong line of succession should something happen to Gavinar," Jasnah insisted. "Now that you are both back from Shadesmar, now is the perfect time to secure your own children. I will ensure Adolin isn't assigned to any distant missions, and I will assign you one of my trusted scribes to handle the finances, to free up your time." She pulled out a small notepad. "I know your education in Jah Keved was quite lacking. Do you need assistance in your sexual education? I can recommend a number of books that are very illuminating."

Shallan blanched. "No, thanks, I think I understand the basics, thank you Jasnah, your Majesty," She ducked out of the room.  _ That was awkward.  _

Shallan stopped. She couldn't keep working on those records, and she didn’t want to deal with any of her other troubles either. She looked up and down the hallway, trembling slightly, feeling cold and sweaty.  _ Now what do I do?  _

Seeking comfort in Veil's memory, she went to a tavern, got entirely too drunk, and lost many rounds of breakneck to a group of delighted darkeyed soldiers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's called FOMO Shallan!  
> In case anyone was wondering, there's a difference between jealousy and envy, and Shallan isn't feeling jealous. ;)
> 
> Jealousy - fear of losing something you have that's currently meeting your needs  
> Envy - wanting your needs met and seeing someone else with those same needs being met


	8. Two Duels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaladin warms up to the idea of being with Adolin (aka the hot tub scene).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW nakedness and a bit of touching.

Adolin

_ Kaladin may be the best spearman in Roshar, _ Adolin thought, _ but he’s still got a lot to learn about holding a sword. _ Adolin parried Kaladin’s Windstance attack, angling his thrust so that Kaladin's wrist turned awkwardly, forcing him to step exactly where Adolin wanted him to go. He followed up with a quick turn in Vinestance, spinning to the right and sliding his foot, kicking Kaladin’s foot out as he spun his sword. 

“And there we have it,” Adolin said, panting slightly, his sword near Kaladin’s neck as the dark-haired man fell out from under his foot. The sun had just risen, and Adolin could see beams of light bursting through the clouds. 

“By the Ideals, you best me a different way every time!” Kaladin smiled from the ground, squinting into the dawn with a challenge still in his eye. 

“It's getting harder to win. You know how painful it is for me to admit that?” Adolin laughed, pulling him up. 

Adolin was in an excellent mood. Getting back into the duelling arena helped him feel alive again, in control. Duelling was a contest in which men fought with honour - a place where he faced an enemy that was real, his weapon wielded in front of him plainly. He was also very pleased that Kaladin had taken him up on his offer to train. 

When they were done, they walked together off the grounds. Kaladin started to head in a different direction.

“Hey, where are you going?” Adolin asked.

“To the public baths to clean up,” Kaladin said. “I don’t have an ocean of time before the clinic opens.”

“Why not join me in the Kholin private bath?” Adolin asked spontaneously. “It's close, and I would love to hear what you think about duelling.”

Kaladin shrugged as though his invitation was the kind he’d extend to anyone. In reality, only Renarin or his father ever joined him. Well, maybe Jakamov, sometimes, but that was different.

Kaladin fell into step with him. Adolin paused, then asked, “What have you noticed about the differences between war and duelling?”

“War is about survival. Duelling is a game that lighteyes play. No offense,” Kaladin added quickly. “The rules make duelling more honourable. I don’t mind duelling with you, because I trust that you won’t break the rules. But I don’t know if I would trust anyone else not to. Especially not since  _ that _ duel.”

“That was a mockery,” Adolin remembered grimly. “But war is more of a game than even I'd like to admit sometimes, and the contest of duelling is more importnat than you might think. There are things you can learn about your opponent from duelling - Does he think through his moves or does he rely on passion? Is he defensive or aggressive? Does he forget or hold grudges?”

Kaladin considered. “So today, you shared with your enemy that you always take your chance to attack, even if the window of opportunity is extremely small, sometimes to the point of recklessness. You are willing to take the risk of heavy wounds in order to fell your opponent. I saw you twist your knee to take me down. I can use that against you later.”

“To use that information later is exactly the point,” Adolin replied. “Maybe I’m not understanding this from your perspective. I don’t know if there’s a darkeyes version of this kind of contest. In lighteyes society, it’s important to understand the minds of the other highprinces and their families. No one can trust each other fully. We find information however we can. Duelling helps to maintain a truce, a trust of some kind. It's important to know if your rival is bold or cowardly, honourable or dishonourable, skilled or useless. This knowledge pays off on the battlefield. Should this man be my enemy or my ally? It could mean the lives of hundreds or even thousands of men. That’s one of the reasons it’s important to me.” He scowled. “You would have seen what it reveals if I had been able to duel Sadeas.”

They walked in a tense silence until they arrived at the baths. Adolin’s guards, who had been following behind, stood watch at the doors. Adolin and Kaladin entered together. 

The room was small, only able to accommodate four people at most. The walls were lined with wood, creating a sense of warmth. Adolin had insisted his old baths be recovered from the Shattered Plains and reassembled here in Urithiru. It looked just the same. Wooden benches were set against the walls, and fresh towels and a new set of clothes for Adolin were stacked in the corner. Dominating the centre of the room was a round, sunken bath filled with water that had already been heated for him. The bath had a step along the interior, to make it easier to get in and out, and to enable one to sit slightly outside the water so as not to get too hot. He sighed gratefully. He always felt soothed here. Whether he won or lost, at the bath he was able to come down from the high of the contest and transition back into everyday life. 

“Kaladin, you can get undressed over there. I’ll look away if you like. Grab a towel. Be careful - there’s a heating fabrial in the centre at the bottom.”

Kaladin grunted absently as looked around the room. His eyes were wide, and Adolin thought he looked impressed. Kaladin glanced back and pulled a corner of his mouth into a tight half smile. “You don’t have to look away. I’ll change over there. Thanks.”

As Adolin undressed, he accepted Kaladin's implied offer, eyeing him eagerly. Kaladin removed his sweaty shirt with ease, revealing his well muscled chest and back. It was strange to see him with smooth skin, lacking the scars that used to poke out from under his clothing.  _ Not to mention the lack of scars on his face,  _ he thought.  _ He looks almost like a different man without them.  _ Kaladin stood for a moment, apparently considering, before hunching over away from Adolin to take off his pants and underwear. Despite being a soldier, he still seemed to be embarrassed about that. No matter how he hunched over, though, he couldn’t help but give Adolin a view. 

Adolin unlaced his duelling boots, his eyes still on the other man. Kaladin turned and met his eyes. Adolin immediately broke Kaladin’s eye contact, pointedly roaming across his dark wavy hair brushing broad shoulders, his defined chest and abs, his dark tangle of pubic hair, and his soft yet excitingly plump dick. Kaladin ducked his head and quickly stepped into the water. 

“Storms!” Kaladin exclaimed at the water. “That’s hotter than I thought.”  _ I could say the same about you too, Bridgeboy, although I didn’t think it was possible.  _

Settling in, Kaladin raised his head. Adolin had just finished taking off his own underwear, and Kaladin’s eyes explored in turn, his face unreadable. Adolin blushed but stepped into the water with confidence, perhaps leaning back a  _ little  _ bit to show off his own manhood as he eased himself in. 

“How does it feel?” Adolin asked as sank in up to his chest, the heat already soothing his tired muscles. 

“It feels incredible,” Kaladin replied. His arms outstretched, he sank into the water and closed his eyes. “If you had told me  _ this _ was a part of duelling, I would have agreed sooner.”

Adolin considered his options.  _ How relaxed is he, and how relaxed is he likely to get? Do I not touch him at all? Do I kiss him? More?  _ He imagined how good it would feel to glide his fingers over his skin in this heated water… he almost groaned out loud thinking about where he wanted to touch him, but ran his hand over his mouth to stop himself.  _ My thoughts are going wild. Don't be reckless. I have to wait for the right opportunity to strike. I can’t afford to be wrong. More importantly,  _ _ he _ _ can’t afford for me to be wrong.  _

He considered today’s duel while Kaladin sunk in a little deeper, his eyes remaining closed.  _ Kaladin is a man of impressive talent, and he relies on instinct. He’s still a novice about katas and fighting stances. He fights for survival, not for his pride, yet he always fights with honour.  _ He remembered Kaladin’s smile as he pulled him up off the ground.  _ He maintains his curiosity even after losing, willing to learn from failure. He learns quickly.  _ As Kaladin rested, Adolin grabbed a bar of soap, turning it idly in his hands.

Kaladin sat up suddenly. “Oh  _ Talenel _ , I forgot I have the first shift at the clinic. Where’s the soap?”

_ I’ve got you now.  _ Adolin smirked. “I’ll tell you where it is if you give me a kiss,” he said mildly, holding the soap in clear view of Kaladin, up and away from him. 

Kal grinned and jumped for it, splashing Adolin and all of his clean clothes.  _ He’s being playful!  _ He grinned back, moving his arm so that Kaladin missed.

Underwater, Kaladin hooked Adolin’s legs with his own for leverage, forcing Adolin to lose purchase on the floor of the bath. Adolin sank, just able to keep his chin above the water. Kaladin pressed his chest against Adolin’s face, and with his long reach he wrested the soap from him easily. As Kaladin slid back into the water, he shifted position, releasing Adolin’s legs. Adolin scrambled to sit up. Kaladin straddled his lap, knees on the bench, and helped him to sit up again. He regarded Adolin with a fond expression, then their lips met briefly, once, then twice. Adolin sighed.  _ Storms, he’s so close… and naked.  _ He looked in Kaladin's eyes and saw a fire kindling. Adolin carefully wrapped his hands around his ass and pulled him slightly closer, all while maintaining eye contact. He could feel Kaladin’s balls come to rest on his thighs. Kaladin closed his eyes and gave Adolin a longer, deeper third kiss, and a moment of passion passed between them, Adolin caressing Kaladin's ass. 

Kaladin hummed and pulled out of the kiss. “You’re going to make me late, princeling,” he smirked, and started lathering his armpits quickly. “The least you could do is help me out. Get my back.” He handed the soap back to Adolin and turned around on Adolin's lap, exposing his back. He could feel Kaladin’s ass slide against his thighs.  _ Kelek preserve me.  _

“Yes sir,” Adolin said enthusiastically.  _ Better follow orders,  _ he thought and happily got to work, lathering his hands and running them across Kaladin’s back, quickly and efficiently. When he was done, he gave the soap back, then gave Kaladin a scritching with his nails for good measure, watching red lines develop where he had raked his smooth skin. 

“Mmmm…” Kaladin’s baritone voice echoed as he cleaned his front and legs, rubbing himself underwater. “That’s nice. I can’t help but feel you’ve cut my feet out from under me again.” He ducked under the water and emerged from the bath quickly, ignoring the towels. Facing away from Adolin, he awkwardly shook himself, then pulled on the spare clothes he’d brought. Adolin noticed the fabric of his pants was quite thin, sticking to his legs.  _ They’re going to get an eyeful at the surgery clinic _ , he thought, amused. 

“If I felled you, you’d never make it to the clinic in time,” Adolin admonished, “and I wouldn’t impugn your honour.” He grinned. 

Pulling his hair into a tail, Kaladin frowned. “Don’t tempt me.” He twisted the extra water out of his hair, looking up and to the side with a small smile. “Syl, I  _ couldn’t _ ,” he chuckled. He winked at Adolin. “She's almost a worse influence than you. I’ll see you later. And thanks for the bath.” He waved and left.

_ Stormfather, that smile. _

Adolin sank deeper into the bath and let out the long groan he'd been holding in. For a spontaneous decision, that had gone  _ way _ better than expected.  _ Taking risky opportunities, indeed, _ he thought to Maya.  _ But this time I wasn’t reckless. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Alethi must have weird violent euphemisms for sex. Everything about them is competitive and battle focused, so I tried to reflect that here.


	9. Windstance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Radiant reassures Adolin that she and Shallan are supportive of Adolin's relationship with Kaladin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poly negotiation gets complicated when personas are involved. Luckily, Radiant is very open minded.
> 
> No major CWs in this chapter.

Radiant

“Stonestance legs,” Adolin corrected. “Your upper body is in Stonestance, but your lower body is still in Windstance.” Radiant was doing well enough that she could teach beginner lessons to the Lightweavers, so in their training sessions, Adolin had moved on to prepare her to teach advanced katas.

“Thank you,” Radiant replied, widening her stance and lowering her centre. “Yes, this feels more...grounded.” She smiled, pleased to be corrected on such a small detail after completing the kata.

They were at their rooms, furniture moved aside, for some impromptu training. They had just a little bit of time between the end of Adolin’s meetings and the start of Radiant’s training session for Lightweavers. She found it helpful to warm up with Adolin when she could.

Shallan got to take regular, much-needed retreats while Radiant took over running the Lightweavers’ training every week. Since Shadesmar, it had just been Radiant and Shallan in Shallan’s head. Without a third persona, the balance of power had shifted. Before, Radiant had often been a deciding vote when Shallan and Veil disagreed. Now, Radiant was much less important in matters of decision making. Shallan had taken most of the control, and was shouldering most of the responsibility for her decisions. Radiant missed Veil the most when she knew Shallan was struggling with the stress. Veil had always been able to help Shallan relax and not take things so seriously. Since the integration, though, it seemed like that piece had been lost. In fact, there were a few issues left over from Veil’s integration that Shallan was choosing to ignore. Radiant felt vastly underqualified to help Shallan with her emotions, but at least she could give her the break.

“Over...under...over...under…” she whispered to herself as she completed the full kata, this time without any mistakes. The exercise was good, and she was sweating. She  called for a break, and Adolin passed her some water. They sat down on the floor, side by side. 

“Radiant,” Adolin asked tentatively, “Could I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s that?” Radiant responded immediately, happy to be of service.

“Shallan has been extremely supportive and excited about the prospect of me and Kaladin, you know, courting. But I haven’t had the chance to ask how you feel about it.”

Radiant considered briefly, taking another swig of water. “Well, like I told Shallan, I don’t really understand it. I thought that we had all considered and decided on you. I thought that the marriage contract meant that it would just be the two of you. The three of us? You and Shallan, I mean,” she smiled. “Shallan has been pretty persuasive. She convinced me that people, and relationships, don’t grow well under strict rules, and she has assured me that we will all grow from this experience.” She shifted, stretching. “I’m all for personal growth, and living our personal truths, but Shallan is making that philosophy real in a way I couldn’t even imagine. Sometimes I feel she understands being Radiant better than I do at this point. I wonder if she sees a truth that I can’t see.” She pursed her lips. 

Adolin looked down, thinking. “I feel bad about having Kaladin here the other night and basically asking her not to come home. I know she said that was okay, but was she  _ actually  _ okay with it?” He looked at her, pleadingly. “She told me she was okay, but she was out way later than she needed to be, and came home pretty drunk.” 

Radiant took a moment to think. She knew that Shallan was having...complicated feelings, but she didn’t know what it actually meant. She wondered if Shallan's decision to encourage Adolin and Kaladin had something to do with her integration with Veil, but she didn't think Veil would be as thoughtful about it as Shallan had been. Was Shallan supportive? Definitely. Was she okay? ...well, Radiant wasn’t as sure about that. She had reported on Shallan’s mental state to Adolin before, but this wasn’t as dire a situation, and she was learning to trust Shallan more as she took on more responsibility. She decided not to mention her concern, trusting that Shallan would figure out her emotions on her own.

“She got surprised by Queen Jasnah that night. She had been working on the finances, but Jasnah interrupted her and told her to go, well, make an heir with you.” She coughed. 

Adolin spat out his water. “What?”

“Oh yes. It was exactly as excruciating as you are imagining.” Radiant smiled at Adolin, and he laughed. “It took a few drinks to get it out of her mind.” She looked at Adolin more seriously. “I think she’s...adjusting. She’s supportive of you both. That hasn’t changed.”

Adolin considered. “But something else has changed?”

_ Does realizing a truth count as changing? It’s been true the whole time, but she hasn't started to accept it… _

Shallan didn’t answer, but Pattern piped in. “To say nothing has changed would be true, because it’s not yet a lie!”

Radiant nodded, satisfied with the validity of the statement. “No, nothing has changed. But going out drinking alone isn’t such a great idea, and we wouldn’t want to make it a habit. Shallan understands that Kaladin lives in a tiny room with his parents, and that leaves your rooms. She doesn’t mind being out, and she has many responsibilities to attend to. Maybe we can think of something better to do on nights you’re with Kaladin, and she doesn’t want to work. She could create more sketches of everyday people, perhaps. She finds that soothing, and needs to be mostly sober for it. We could get Beryl, or some of the Lightweavers in training, to join in for practice so she won’t be alone.” 

_ I could do that, _ Shallan said from the back of her mind.  _ That sounds like a good idea, Radiant. A good distraction. Thank you. _

Adolin looked relieved. “Shallan has been really supportive, but sometimes I worry that she’s putting it on. It’s good to know that you are confident in how she feels. And it’s great to know that you are supportive, too.” He patted her on the shoulder and smiled. Radiant sat up proudly and smiled back. She could still be useful after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Radiant getting pulled into an emotional landscape that is totally outside her knowledge base... she's a real trooper though ;)
> 
> I'm trying to balance the ideas that Shallan's history of hiding the truth has left scars on her loved ones, she's still not perfect at it, and she is working really hard on being more honest with herself and others. I hope that's coming through here.


	10. Undressing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adolin finally convinces Kaladin to get a new outfit, and is surprised to learn it's even harder to get him out of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for PTSD symptoms, description of slavery
> 
> Just so you know, it seems like it's gonna be really bad for a second but I promise you it's going to be okay.

Kaladin

"I still think this looks ridiculous," Kaladin said, eyeing himself in a full length mirror in Adolin's dressing room. "I'm definitely changing before I go home tonight." He wriggled under the unfamiliar textures.

This...closet?...was bigger than his bedroom at home, clothes hanging from three metal rods which had been brought from the warcamps of the Shattered Plains, spanning the full length of three walls of the room. A large soft piece of furniture, looking like a comfy bed that no one is allowed to sleep in, or perhaps an oversized stuffed bench, took up the centre of the room. He had never seen so many clothes in one place in his life, besides a tailor's shop, which he and Adolin had just visited. Thinking of the value of the contents of the room made Kaladin slightly nauseous, so he tried to stop thinking about it, focusing on his new outfit instead. 

"The only thing that's ridiculous is that you chose brown pants to go with a black shirt," Adolin _tsked_ , walking up from behind and wrapping his arms around his chest, running his hands along Kaladin's pectoralis muscles. "Other than that, you look extremely handsome. I think they did a particularly good job with the collar." He kissed Kaladin's neck, making him blush. Kaladin wasn't used to getting this much attention, and it was uncomfortable, but also...not bad? 

Syl appeared in a gust of wind, revealing herself to Adolin. "I think he looks very handsome!" she declared. She booped Kaladin's nose with her finger. "Be happy now like we talked about. I won't be too far away but I'll give you privacy like you asked." She winked at Adolin and flew away in a streak of blue light.

In the mirror, Kaladin could see Adolin smiling as his eyes traced the air where Syl had been. Kaladin knew that Adolin had taken great care, time, and expense planning their trip to the tailor, knowing that Kaladin would want to spend as little time there as possible. The outfit, no, _ensemble_ , that Adolin had designed integrated elements from the culture of Hearthstone with the current trends of lighteyes fashion. He wore a short black jacket with amethyst coloured stripes around the collar and sleeves. It didn't even close, and ended at the bottom of his ribcage. It felt like he had been cut in half by a Shardblade. He shivered, feeling strangely bare. Underneath the jacket was a silky, black shirt with black lace at the cuffs. The fabric made him uncomfortably aware of his body as it slid across his skin. The pants had been a compromise - sturdy, dark brown, and extremely comfortable. _I'm going to wear these pants every day,_ Kaladin thought _._ He couldn't argue with the fact that everything fit perfectly, a rare pleasure for an unusually tall darkeyed man. 

Looking in the mirror, Kaladin took in his form and was pleasantly surprised. He hadn't seen much of himself without his slave brands - his shaving mirror was only big enough to see half of his chin at a time - and it gave him pause to consider this new stage of his life. 

_I'm a new man_ , he thought, tucking loose strands of hair behind his ears. _Syl certainly seems to like this change._ He frowned. _I wonder what new failures this man will commit?_ He thought of Dunny, Cenn, Tien, and all the others he'd failed. _I don't deserve to have nice things_ , he thought grimly. _I'm a traitor to their memories_. 

Adolin started kissing the other side of his neck, holding him close from behind, and the corner of Kaladin's mouth involuntarily pulled towards a smile. He closed his eyes, trying to let go of those thoughts, and tried to focus on Adolin’s touch as his hands explored his chest and shoulders. _I don't want to let Adolin down. I won't fail him too,_ he thought, throwing his shoulders back with the intensity of his conviction.

Adolin moved around in front of Kaladin, at arm’s length but his hands never leaving Kaladin's body, his eyes hungrily taking in every angle. He shook his head at the pants, then pulled Kaladin close again, nuzzling his ear. 

"I wish I could get you to dress like this every day," Adolin whispered as he pressed his body against Kaladin's, his hands exploring his back, underneath the jacket. 

Kaladin rolled his eyes, yet still felt nervous about letting his friend down. He tried to ignore his emotions and focus on the pressure and warmth of Adolin's firm chest and torso against him, his warm breath as Adolin placed small kisses along the left side of his neck and jaw. 

Kaladin instinctively lifted his chin, exposing his neck further, and Adolin obliged, kissing, licking him slightly. Kaladin gasped with… _pleasure?,_ as a new sensation zipped through his gut from the spot on his neck where Adolin had licked him. Adolin hungrily moved to meet Kaladin's lips. _This isn't uncomfortable anymore_ , Kaladin realized. Inspired, he tried to do an open mouthed kiss, pulling his lips back, and their teeth clacked together.

"Ow!" Adolin said. "I could feel that impact all the way up my skull."

"Yeah, let's not do that again," Kaladin chuckled, rubbing his teeth. "I'll have to keep practicing."

They resumed their practice, lips against lips this time, and as they developed a rhythm, Adolin let slip a touch of his tongue. Kaladin smiled into the kiss, copying the movement. Adolin grasped the sides of his face, thumbs brushing against his cheekbones, fingers digging into the hair behind his ears, deepening the kiss. Kaladin melted. _This is strange, weirdly wet, but it's...nice._ _Really_ _nice. Is this even possible?_

Feeling a bit overwhelmed and unsure what to do with his hands, Kaladin wrapped his arms around Adolin’s shoulders. He slid his fingers up the nape of Adolin’s neck, earning a small groan that Kaladin eagerly soaked up with his lips. Adolin let go of Kaladin's face without breaking the kiss. He ran his hands down his chest, then around his sides, sliding down his lower back, then down _further_ , rubbing and grasping Kaladin's gluteal muscles. _This doesn't just feel not bad. This feels...good. Is this what good feels like?_

"If you touch my gluteals like this every time I wear this clothing, I won't be able to wear it in public," Kaladin gasped between kisses, feeling lightheaded. 

Adolin pulled back and pecked him on the corners of his mouth. "Just say ass, Kaladin, this isn't a surgeon's clinic." He smiled and started working the other side of Kaladin's neck. "I don't think you'll be able to wear these pants for much longer here, either..."

Adolin stepped back, smiling. Catching his own reflection in the mirror, Kaladin could see his lips were swollen and wet, his eyes half-lidded. He felt embarrassed but soaked up the clear look of admiration on Adolin's face. 

Adolin tilted his head with a smirk and looked at Kaladin appraisingly from top to bottom. Something about the way he tilted his head felt suddenly _wrong_ . Adolin stepped forward again, sliding his hands across Kaladin's shoulders to remove his jacket. _No...no…_ Kaladin thought, horror seeping through his body. He tried to step backwards, but his body felt frozen.

It felt like the jacket was being ripped off him. Kaladin felt a sudden, cold sweat shock his body. Adolin turned away, carefully folding the jacket and putting it down on the edge of the stuffed bench in the middle of the room. Kaladin suddenly felt nightmarishly _exposed_ . His thoughts started to race. _I'm alone in here with a lighteyes….I’m in danger...what does he want with me...what if I don't please him...don’t sell me again!_

Heedless of Kaladin's thoughts, Adolin approached and touched Kaladin's sides, untucking his shirt. Any good sensation in Kaladin’s body had vanished as though he had just exhaled all his Stormlight, leaving him hollow and cold. He vanished into memories. "Arms up," Adolin said, "Let's see what's underneath." Kaladin's arms went up automatically, his mind numb.

*************

Adolin 

As Adolin started lifting Kaladin's shirt, Syl flew in. "KALADIN!" She screamed. She looked around, confused. "Where's the danger?"

Surprised, Adolin dropped his hold on Kaladin's shirt, allowing it to fall back into place. He stepped back. "What's going on?" He discovered Kaladin's vacant eyes. 

A shock of energy struck Adolin like a stormwall. "Oh _storms_ , Kaladin, are you ok? Kaladin?" Adolin shook him slightly. He didn't respond. 

He turned to Syl. "Danger? But everything was going so -" ... _well_ . _Oh storms I've broken him. Oh Almighty, I promised I wouldn't hurt him!_

He wrapped an arm carefully around Kaladin and led him to the lounge, encouraging him to sit. Making a pillow out of Kaladin's jacket, he gently rested Kaladin's head on it and pulled his legs onto the lounge. He sat beside him, unsure what to do next. Kaladin's face was expressionless, his lips moving soundlessly. Agonyspren spun beside his head, like upside down faces carved in stone. Adolin turned to Syl. "What is happening?"

Syl flew in a flurry around Kaladin as a leaf caught in a gust of wind, then took her girlish form, standing protectively on Kaladin's chest. He stared at him accusingly. "I don't know. It felt like he was feeling happy like he should, and then suddenly I felt danger. I thought someone was attacking him. _What did you do?_ " She crossed her arms and glared at him.

Adolin felt a stab of guilt. "I...I don't know. We were, um, kissing, and then I took off his jacket, and then I started taking off his shirt, and then this happened." He moved to touch Kaladin but Syl flew in front of his hand, stopping him. 

"Hold on Adolin. I need answers. You started taking _off_ his clothes? But you spent so much time getting him _into_ them! Why would you take off his clothes? I've only ever seen slave masters do that to him."

In an instant, Adolin understood. _Only slave masters have undressed him_... he'd somehow activated Kaladin's battle shock. Could someone get battle shock from being undressed? It wasn't like he was under threat of a sword...

 _You fool, to a slave the sword is implied, even if it’s not there_ , he thought to himself. _Think for once!_

"You're right, Syl," he said slowly. "I didn’t know. I never would have thought that getting undressed was related to his battle shock." He imagined himself in that position, being shunted around from person to person - _no, from lighteyes to lighteyes_ \- he realized with a shudder. He imagined being stripped of his clothing, his dignity, and slavers without mercy, looking him up and down like an object, haggling over a price. He had seen this scene a dozen times in his life, and had found it distasteful, but the horror seeping into his heart was brand new. 

He slouched, his head in his hands. "I really understand now. Why Kaladin _hated_ lighteyes - couldn't trust my father, or me. Why he was so bitter when we first met. Storms, I've been ten out of the ten fools." 

He fought back nausea at how arrogant and cavalier he'd been. “Oh storms, what have I done?” He looked at Syl, tears in his eyes. "I'm as bad as any of them. I walked around, living my life, letting this -" he gestured towards Kaladin “- happen. I _walked across_ Sadeas' bridges. How do I make this right, Syl? Is it even possible?"

Syl flew in closely, scrutinizing his face, then nodded. "Ok, I might have flown in on a hot breeze, but now I can see that you're not trying to harm him. This often happens at night. Sometimes he sees or feels or thinks of something that sets this off. He usually comes out of it within a few minutes, but he'll need to talk about it. He won't want to, but I think he needs to." 

She looked over Kaladin and sighed. "I'll let you try to help him, but I'll be nearby to make sure you don't hurt him." She turned and gestured at Adolin, pointing two fingers at her eyes and then his, then disappeared into a blue ribbon of light. 

Adolin gazed down at Kaladin laying on the lounge. Kaladin's eyes stared vacantly, leaking silent tears, streaming down the sides of his face. Adolin leaned across him. He wiped the tears awkwardly, wiped his hand on the furniture, and started to stroke his forehead. He tried to think of something calming to say to banish the agonyspren. 

"Kaladin, Kaladin, come back," he started, and his voice trembled. He patted his hair, getting a finger caught in the tangles and accidentally pulling out the tie. _Storms_. 

"You're here with me - Adolin." Carefully, he stroked Kaladin’s forehead with his thumb. _Not his forehead, you’ll only make it worse._

"I'm here for you." He moved his hand to the side of his face and rubbed it gently with his palm. 

"Kaladin, you're not a slave anymore, you're here with me..."

Slowly but deliberately, Kaladin lifted his hand to Adolin's hand, holding it there against his cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned his face into Adolin's hand. _Almighty, thank you_ , Adolin prayed, breathing a sigh of relief. Kaladin shifted onto his side facing Adolin, pulling his legs up tight against his chest. His other hand joined the first, cradling Adolin's hand against his face. Adolin leaned over awkwardly but maintained the posture. 

Kaladin cried quietly for a while. Adolin wasn't sure how much time had passed. The agonyspren slowly faded away.

"I hate this," Kaladin eventually croaked, his voice dry. His eyes were still closed. 

"Kaladin, I'm so sorry -" Adolin started, but Kaladin suddenly sat up, whirling on him, releasing his hand. Adolin backed up, alarmed.

" _You're_ sorry? You can't even _begin_ -" he spat, then stopped abruptly. He stayed in a sitting position but wrapped his arms around his knees, burying his head. "Adolin, I've done it again. I've ruined our night," he murmured. "This is all my fault.”

 _How could he possibly think that?_ Adolin wondered. _I’m the one who ruined it_. "No, Kaladin," he entreated, "No one asks to be a slave.” 

Kaladin looked up suddenly, surprised. He didn’t say anything though, so Adolin continued. “No one asks to be stripped of their dignity. No one asks for mental scars. You can't be blamed for things you couldn't control." Kaladin snorted. 

_I have to get him to understand._ Adolin got up, straddled the lounge, and sat down again, opening up his arms and waving Kaladin forward. Kaladin looked, sniffling, then reluctantly shuffled forward. 

"I promise I won't try to take your clothes off." Adolin slowly, deliberately placed his hands at Kaladin's sides, then slid around to his back, pulling him in until Kaladin lifted his legs across Adolin's and scooched his hips closer, their stomachs almost touching. Kaladin wrapped his arms loosely around Adolin's waist and leaned his head against his shoulder. Adolin held him there, slowly rubbing his back. 

"Kaladin, what you're going through now _isn't_ your fault. If one of your bridgemen got injured carrying a bridge, you wouldn't blame him for the injury. He was forced to carry it." He could feel Kaladin tighten his grip around his waist, and then release again. He whimpered softly and began to cry again. Adolin rocked him slightly, continuing to rub his back. He leaned his face against Kaladin's neck. 

Adolin thought carefully, then continued. "You were forced to do things in order to survive," he whispered to his friend. "You're still carrying that bridge in your mind, and you've been carrying it alone for so long. You don't have to do it alone. Let me help you carry it, until you can put it down." 

Kaladin clung to him for a long time, then let out a ragged sigh. To Adolin’s amazement, he started speaking. 

"After Amaram branded me, I was locked in a small Soulcast room with no windows, with about a dozen other slaves. My wounds hurt so badly... people were moaning, crying. I don't know how long I was in there. I just felt...numb after losing my men." He paused, clutching him tight again, and Adolin knew he was naming them in his mind. 

Kaladin continued. "They pulled me into the blinding sun and stripped me bare. I don't remember their faces but I remember their posture, the tilt of their heads. I don't know how many people were there, but we were all lined up. I heard voices. I screamed and screamed but no one listened. Then I was pulled away. The nightmare of my life just went on from there...but being stripped...that was the beginning. That's when I really _knew_ any possibility for hope, or comfort, or justice for me was gone."

Adolin had never heard Kaladin talk about himself before - just how his actions had impacted others. He hugged him close, willing all the love and safety he could muster into Kaladin. "Kal, I can't imagine what that was like. All I can do is hold you now."

Kaladin shifted, pulling closer still, his body flush against Adolin's. Adolin hugged back, wishing he could pull the pain out of Kaladin, or at least share it with him. He brushed his lips against Kaladin’s neck. The sphere lamps in the room dimmed again, but Adolin couldn’t see Kaladin breathing it in. Kaladin wrapped his legs tight around Adolin, hugging with them too. They stayed there a few more minutes, Adolin slowly rocking Kaladin, holding his head tight to his body, until Kal's breathing eventually evened out. 

"Adolin, _thank you_ ," Kaladin said into the crook of Adolin’s neck. He slowly pulled out of the hug, leaning back just enough to rest his hands on Adolin’s shoulders, his thumbs brushing his collarbones. Adolin saw that despite Kaladin's red, puffy eyes and his wet face, his jaw and eyebrows were more relaxed. 

"I feel...lighter," Kaladin said, reflective. He looked deeply into Adolin’s eyes. "Like there still could be hope for me. I'm sorry I ruined our night again. I do...want to...do more with you. Maybe it'll take more time."

"I said I would face a greatshell for you Kaladin, and I meant it,” Adolin replied. “I really, _really_ want to do other things too, but only if you're ready. Don't worry about me, ok? I love our time together, no matter what we're doing. It's just great to be with you." He kissed him lightly on the lips.

Kaladin smiled softly, and Adolin's heart soared. _Somehow I managed not to ruin him. I'll have to burn a glyphward for this._

Adolin got up and left the room, grabbing Kaladin's regular clothes. He brought them back. "Here Kal," he said, tossing them on the lounge. "It's late and I can see the exhaustionspren around you. Let's get you home. I'll wait out here while you change."

Later, after Kaladin was home, Adolin felt strange. His body was alight with energy, but his mind was run down. He felt relieved, but also troubled, cold, and tired. It was too late to go to the sparring grounds, and he wouldn't be able to think well enough to spar safely anyway. Instead, he walked from his dim rooms onto the balcony, where there was enough room to do some katas. He summoned Maya and performed some basic katas with her, smoothly and automatically. He started to feel himself relax a bit. 

_Adolin_...

"Maya?" Adolin stopped. 

_You...did good...healing…_

Adolin stood, stunned, holding his sword in front of him. Confused but grateful, he smiled. "Thank you Maya," he bowed lightly to her, warmth suffusing him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PTSD is a hell of a thing, and it's so unfair that even seemingly small things can set off symptoms. Kaladin's going into it knowing that it's going to be difficult, but I think Adolin is just realizing for the first time the depth of how bad it is for him.


End file.
